Self Reflection in 2012

I was up all night last night distressed over burdens that my heart and spirit were carrying and have been carrying for quite some time. The first person I approached about my concerns was God. I wanted an answer and I waited for an answer from him as to this conundrum I have been experiencing. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, insomnia, OCD, OCPD, oppression, inadequacy, abandonment, and that all of these issues I have been trying to give to the Lord has been complicated or magnified by grief. I don't feel as if I was anywhere near the end of my grief-process with my father's death when my mother passed a year later. I know there are seven stages of grief and wondered if some people experience them in different orders? 

1. Denial

2. Guilt

3. Anger

4. Depression

5. Upward turn

6. Reconstruction

7. Acceptance

The one I have been struggling with is not even on the list: Forgiveness.  I know we require his forgiveness and that he will forgive us as many times as necessary until we get it right. I know we have been talking about repentance in church and asking for forgiveness is part of repentance (in addition to facing your pride head-on among other things). My struggle though is does God require our forgiveness? Is it necessary to forgive God for the anger/pain/resentment for him taking my parents away? I know that its his way whether I like it or not and that his way is the only way and the right way and I can hear my mom and my Pastor both telling me "You have to get glad in the same britches you got mad in" but it isn't that simple to me. This perspective has been stirring in my soul, in the very root of my spirit.  My spirit tells me that God doesn't need my forgiveness because he's God, but that he will accept my forgiveness. I somehow feel as if I need God to accept my forgiveness even though he doesn't require it for my own repentance, acceptance, and for my own forgiveness for being angry with God in the first place. 

 I went to work today and did my normal job and there was a 2012 calendar that I adored that was inspirational quotes. I looked forward to the new wisdom it would give me every month when I was able to close that chapter and to begin another. So, I spent a few minutes after work today cutting up this calendar and placing those inspirational quotes all over a board that hangs above my desk. I call it my aspiration board. I made the conscious decision today that God will never stop his molding process of who I am and that I do not wish to ever stop aspiring to be a better person.

The images are photographs of different situations with clever sayings to remind you to never give up and to keep fighting for whatever it is you desire; they aren't necessarily Christian based, but basic life advice that would help anyone along his/her journey. This one, for instances, reminds me that how insignificant we feel in our roles with other people, we are all the same in Jesus' eyes and that we are all sheep in his flock and he cares for us equally yet individually.

• Dreams are today’s answer to tomorrow’s question.
• Dreams are logs that feed the fire of our souls.
• Live your spirit’s dreams, not your mind’s.
• There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
• Dreams are necessary to life.
• Dreams are the touchstones of our personality.

Worthy

wor·thy  (wûr)

adj. wor·thi·er, wor·thi·est

1. Having worth, merit, or value; useful or valuable.

2. Honorable; admirable: a worthy fellow.

3. Having sufficient worth; deserving: worthy to be revered; worthy of acclaim.

Who is worthy of God's love?  In my mind, none of us are as we are all bruised fruit.

To the father, all sins are equally blemishes on our unclean body, soul, mind, spirit, and heart. I have to take a step back and realize that not one sin in his eyes is more sinful than another; it was man that put different values on sin. To God the father, one sin no darker or more unholy than another from a stretch of the truth, adultry, murder, theft, anger, greed, wrath, pride, lust, envy. All must be confessed and covered by his blood.

I was raised in church and was always taught Jesus died for my sins but I don't think I ever made the solid connection on what exactly that meant. He was literally tortured for my sins; not his own. He was treated as a thief and murderer and was tormented and agnoized for all of my wrong doings.

Who decides who is worthy of love?  My love? God's Love? Am I selective on who I give my forgiveness to? Because God isn't. What makes me or anyone else worthy of his love, mercy, grace, forgiveness? Being washed in the blood makes me worthy.

Come to the well. Forgiveness is here.