The Potters House

Any piece of clay can be transformed when you land in the Potter's hands. 

Mold me God, to what you want me to be. 

Use me for your work and guide me on the path you chose for me.

Becoming anew

Day 14

I celebrate the life of a dear friend of our family's who has been gone for exactly one year today. I hurt for his family, ache for his children, and I still shed tears for him.  He's been on my mind for a few weeks now but I cannot believe he has already been gone for a year.





I remember when mom was planning her own funeral, she requested him preach her funeral. He called me the day mom passed to tell me how sorry he was that he could not fulfill her last wishes, as he was sick himself and was being put into the hospital. I didn't know then that he was dying too, but even in his last days he tried to help others. I'll never forget the kindness he and his family always showed ours and I'm sure he is rejoicing with my parents today for they are all free and all have new bodies. 

I miss you Mike, we all do. But today, I think of one of your famous quotes and smile: He who is flexible is never bent out of shape.

Opportunities for change

Day 3

My niece has recently began asking questions about her birth parents and why they aren't raising her. Thankfully, she has been taught that your mommy is the person who cares for you, not just the person who's belly the doctor cut you out of.  I am so very proud of my aunt, my sister, and our grandmother, not only for being rock stars and raising her, but for always being honest with her. They give her constants: discipline, affirmation, honesty, love, and affection.  They give the five year-old little girl the tools needed to draw her own conclusions and to create her own healthy perspectives of every situation. But, when she does ask questions, they give her doses of gentle truth.

I have heard of the whole nature versus nurture thing my whole life and I have realized that certain particular aspects of daily living are learned behaviors. For instance, Love: The most basic instinct of human nature is a learned behavior. Loving someone through the good times and the bad is a learned behavior. Choosing to love and choosing love, is a learned behavior. I think the affirmation I received is meeting and falling in love with my husband. In our early relationship, he loved me the best he knew how, but he had to learn to love me in the traditional sense as husband and wife love each other; he had no examples of that growing up and that was something he had to learn from being around other Christians and from my parents.  If love is not taught from the very beginning, it is not a lost cause. Sometimes all people need is the opportunity to learn and someone willing to teach.

Miracles

Day 2

Never give up hope and keep the faith

Ash Wednesday

Today starts the period of remembrance and gratitude. I decided to take a different spin on it this year. Last year, as you know, instead of giving up something traditional like meat, coffee, or dairy, I gave up something more valuable to me than even food - my time. I intend to do that this year but also to plant some seeds of kindness, gratitude, and optimism. Some may be tidbits of inspiration I have gathered along my journey or simply my thoughts for the day. I am thankful you are willing to accompany me on the journey.

Day 1

Doubt sees the obstacles, 
faith sees the way

Doubt sees the dark of night,
faith sees the day

Doubt dreads to take a step,
faith soars high

Doubt questions "who believes?"
Faith answers "I"

Twigs

See this photo, this is the Hardee's that I go to in the mornings on the way to work. I snapped this earlier in the week while sitting waiting to order (in the pouring rain) and its dark although you cannot tell from the flash that picked up so well. I have been in this drive through line a hundred times and never noticed this bush/tree thingy. See the tiny twigs sticking up on the left hand side out of the mulch? The smallest little twig is me. God's the big tree. His shade shields me, the light he lets in through his leaves helps me to grow, and he cuts me down to size regularly not to overpower me, but to nurture me. 

Spiritual Gifts

So today I took a quiz on spiritual gifts, two of them actually just to see what my gifts are. Little did I know, venturing into looking for my strengths would also indicate my weaknesses.

I was halfway shocked to find my actual gifts (discernment, prophecy, help/mercy) but to find what my spiritual weaknesses are (faith, discipleship, and evangelism). The thing I have been trying to live on (Faith) was my weakest link.

I had a slight incident on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 that would forever change my world. I made a choice (good, bad, or indifferent it was my choice), I was honest about that choice, and then all of a sudden, everything is different. My life as I knew it, at the time, was crumbling and I panicked. I was so deep in the storm, I couldn't see the rain for the clouds. The what I perceived to be "negative" consequences of that choice suddenly gave me clarity. God really is in control! For so many years, I have been living out of fear and not by faith. God is showing me (the hard way of course) that if I don't live by faith voluntarily, that he will make me live by faith without my choice.

I had several factors that would change my decisions about the future that have been rocking my apple cart for sometime, but I was refusing to allow things to happen out of fear. I live day by day in a constant tail spin trying to make plans for my future. You know what they say, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.  It hit me like a ton of bricks! I have no control. As much as I feel like I need to control every aspect of every situation, I have absolutely zero say in how this plays out. At this point, all I can do is sit back, hold on, and enjoy the ride.

From above

Initiating Changes Necessary for Growth

I welcomed in the new year with my husband in our room (my comfort zone) tearing down walls, letting my husband of 10 years into my deepest emotional vault, and ultimately building emotional intimacy. It should have happened a long time ago honestly, but we have been married for almost ten years and have grown a lot individually and a lot separately as our own people of God; together, we are working on becoming the people God intended for us to be on an individual basis so we can fulfill his destiny of us together as a united front for him.

For me, something I have learned through my own personal growth and self reflection, is that in my past (old nature) I am/was a brick-layer. I would erect concrete walls around the deepest parts of myself, something I have done my entire life.  I have always been very selective on who I let past those walls and in the past, I have made wrong choices in the selection process (usually out of guilt/manipulation) and have let people in who I should been protecting myself from and they broke me emotionally. It has been an essential part of my self-preservation for as long as I can remember and it is something that has been a struggle that I was unwilling to face for a long time.. I have pushed others away and had built up walls around the deepest emotional parts of myself for fear of hurt, regret, rejection, anguish, resentfulness, shame, guilt, and the list goes on and on. As the person I was in 2012 for every brick someone would tear down from my wall of my "self-preservation" protection/comfort, I would have 12 more concrete blocks placed in the wall dividing us before that person even got the original brick completely chiseled out.

My changes began a long time ago, but I will continue to allow God to prune my tree and dig in my roots. I just have to remember that a good hard rain makes the pruning/digging of roots/fertilization easier, so bring on the rain, I know God's grace is sufficient and he is steadfast.

Unexpected Blessings Wrapping up 2012

In October, we received a call from Johnny's sister Nicole that her and Bobby's mother (Kathy - who took care of Johnny when he was a toddler before Bobby and Nicole were every born) was passing away in Minnesota and wanted to make sure we knew. Minnesota was 1,000 miles away from where we live (one-way) and his brother Bobby, halfway between Chattanooga, TN and Rochester, MN (Chicago, IL area) would not have a way to get there unless we picked him up on our way, so we did. We made the trip out of faith, not sure we could even afford to go but God made it happen and we were all blessed because of it. We wanted to go. Not only so Johnny could pay his respects to her for being a mother to him for a short while when she didn't have to be, but for him to be there for his brother and sister during this difficult (and as I know from my own personal experience) life-changing event.

Johnny, Bobby, and Nicole have the same father but were not raised together in the same household - Bobby and Nicole were, but Johnny was not. Johnny was older than the other children and had a different mother. For some reason or another, Johnny had kept in closer contact with Bobby than Nicole. Johnny and Nicole both had circumstances that played roles in them not being close growing up that were out of their control. When we made the trip to Minnesota (lovingly referred by me as Minne-snow-da) the trip was bitter sweet. It was an unfortunate circumstantial meeting that would play a crucial part in our future.  It was closing a chapter for all of the kids in losing their mother but a whole new experience of us having the opportunity to get to know them.

In our four day unplanned excursion, we were able to spend time with Nicole and Ken and lay the foundation for us to form closer bonds in the future. We are all getting to know each other as adults. Nicole is married to a wonderful man of God, husband, and father (Ken) and they have been together for ten years and Johnny was already married to me for approximately 10 years when Johnny/Nicole reunited so it is as if we are all four getting a chance to get to know each other and to form this beautiful, yet necessary bond that will allow each of us growth as individuals. The wonderful thing about it is we (both couples) have so much in common as in relationship dynamics, spiritual beliefs, and personalities that we have become great friends as well as family. For me, it has created this kindred-ness of being brothers/sisters in Christ and given us the opportunity to explore this new sense of family that has not always been possible.  Ken and Nicole have this incredible son named Carter who is just the cutest thing and such a gentle spirit. I can't wait to see him grow up! Nicole and I recently discovered face-time on Ken's iPod and my iPhone and have graduated to Gmail video chat, so its like we can have face to face conversations even though we are 800 miles away.

I was so blessed today because I was able to talk to both Ken and Nicole for 3 hours over video chat and they were able to give me some spiritual advice/guidance from someone my age who has had similar experiences and they were able to give me some insight into my own reflection that really helped me begin to heal. I really did spend some of the last few hours of 2012 in deep reflection of myself, my circumstances, and in a safe emotional place that I could really make some changes for the new year.

Ken talked to me about building the foundation of great relationships with spouses/God together is like a triangle foundation of Alignment, Commitment, and Accountability at the top. His graphic was a little lacking so I made an improvement for him ;-)

Peace, love, and rainbows

Excerpt from my personal diary. This entry means so much more after losing momma. I cannot read it without weeping. I miss them both so very much.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Peace, love, and rainbows

So Tuesday after work, I rode to Dayton with my mom so she could get her Physical Therapy done on her back.  After we went, it started raining and it rained the entire hour of her PT.  When mom got done with it, I told her I wanted to go visit Daddy's grave.  As soon as we turned onto the road headed toward the cemetery, there was the most beautiful rainbow.  It was only a partial rainbow and didn't complete an entire arc.  Its like the upper part of the arc just disappeared into the heavens. 

As we drove down the little one lane road, as we got closer to the rainbow, the rainbow itself got wider and brighter.  Then we noticed another faint rainbow, right next to it.  It is too faint to see in the pictures I actually took on the way to the cemetery.  The closer we got to the cemetery, the more it seemed that the rainbow was leading us there and that the other end of the rainbow was right over the cemetery. 

As we turned onto the little dirt road that the cemetery was on, I saw two deer standing in the road and I stopped the car, waiting on them to cross and one stopped and looked at me right in the eye; then two more pranced across the road slowly and another made eye contact with me briefly as it leaped into the grassy area on the other side of the road.  I remember the look in their eyes, neither expression (from either deer) was out of fear; you know sometimes you expect the "deer in the headlights" look but that wasn't it at all.  It almost seemed like a gesture of courtesy instead of fear.  I can still see that last deer's face in my mind.  I'll probably always remember the expression on her face and the big fluffy white tail as she turned and leaped into the woods.

I arrived at the cemetery, I looked up to the sky to the rainbow that had guided us there and it disappeared.  Just as quickly as we had spotted in the sky, it was gone.  I drove up the little path through the cemetery and parked next to my dad's unmarked grave.  It still had the flowers we put on it for "decoration" on Mother's Day, seemingly just as we left it (that was the last day I visited him). No grass had grown and no dirt had settled.  It was just as I remembered it.  As I stood there in silence, with gentle warm tears rolling down my face, there was a soft breeze that wrapped itself around me.  The breeze itself wasn't really warm but it wasn't cool either.  All of a sudden I felt completely surrounded by warmth and I just felt completely at peace and knew he was at peace too. 

In the Bible, a single rainbow symbolized God's covenant to Noah to never destroy the earth by flood again.  In modern times, the symbolism of rainbows has been with homosexuality and gay pride but the Christian symbolism remains similar; a single rainbow is a symbol of God's promise to you and his covenant to you to never leave you and to see you through all of the obstacles in your life. 

The double rainbow is the symbol of transformation. My life has totally changed since losing my father.  Its changed for everyone in my family and our family friends. I know losing him has changed me.  When he passed, there were a ton of flowers and plants.  I got a single red rose (which has since dried) that I keep in my living room on top of our entertainment center and a potted plant (a peace lily).  My mom kept most of the flowers and gave some to her brother, sister, and their kids and one to my grandmother. Every plant from my father's funeral that my mom kept herself has died.  Mine is the only one still living that I know of. 

I call it "daddy".  I know that seems incredibly stupid but somehow I guess if I keep that plant alive and talk to him (my dad -- not the plant), that it keeps him alive somehow.  I'm a little neurotic about making sure it gets watered once a week and I keep all of the dead leaves pulled and clipped away and I really care for it.  My momma looked at me so funny the first time I asked her to water Daddy.  We were leaving PT and it was raining and I said to mom -- remind me to water Daddy.. She put her hand out in the rain and said gently, "Your daddy is getting watered right now"...  Somehow that was comforting to me. 

I loved my Daddy.  I never knew how much though until he was gone.  We fought a lot, because we were so much alike and we bucked heads a lot.  But after he coded I held his left hand everytime I saw him, because I knew it was connected straight to his heart.  I miss him so much. I know I always will.

Drops of inspiration

This morning, I was on my way to work and I had my window cracked, which is very unlike me. It was a clear day, cool but not cold, breezy but not windy. I was stopped at a red light when a chilly droplet of dew which had been gathering through the open crack landed onto my hand. It was a single droplet and it made me stop in my tracks. It most certainly got my attention.

 

Sometimes its easy to feel unnoticed, as f we are all raindrops in a huge storm and individually our strength is low; I feel like when we bind together and can create a flood. On the flip side of the same coin, it only took one well-placed droplet of dew to grab my attention and to change the whole tone of my day. No droplet, no matter how small, goes unnoticed. Small gestures toward other people can make a huge impact. Whose hand has your droplet touched today?

Making Plans

 

My planner at work - spoke volumes to me. The pouch includes thank you cards for our dept to be given to other departments and sponsors, bandaids, and a serenity prayer bookmark. Give thanks, always be open to healing, and know that God is in control. Was profound to me.

Thankful

I awoke this morning renewed and thankful for the blessings that surround me. I have this endless energy that just fills me and encourages me to dream bigger, reach higher, and inspires me to never give up. There is a restored hope in my life today that I have been previously unaware of.

Coming Home Again

I have been absent from the blog but am still present in my own journey. This past weekend, my husband Johnny took the weekend off to get some rest and of course I put him to work at home. We built and planted five additional raised bed planters, four 30 x 30 inch and one 52 x 30 inch. I planted sun sugar tomatoes, jumbo sweet cantaloupe, crimson sweet watermelon, and green peas. I'll add photos at a later time as it is raining out at the moment.

We didn't go to church on Sunday because we were trying to get our garden finished and I was so blessed by a visit from Norm and Miriam. She is the most amazing seamstress and made me a purse (which is the most beautiful purse that I've ever had) and brought me two buckets of orange tiger lilies. Johnny took the time and made two trenches for me along the fence row and beside our house so I could plant the buckets of lilies.

I am finding my circles are changing and evolving as I grow spiritually and as I begin to heal. I know God places the people in my life exactly when I need them and he will provide for me and my family. God has put me in a situation over the last two years where I had to use my faith by necessity and not by choice. I am learning that it is easier to embrace God and your path and walk with him hand in hand instead of being forced to go in his direction. His will be done.

Holy Saturday

So today is the last day of Lent. I have never participated in lent until this year; the household I grew up in and church I was raised in recognized Easter and the whole resurrection but not the lent portion. Being a gastric bypass patient not eating much and having dietary restrictions, I decided to give up something that was equally as precious to me, my time. I have tried to dedicate time to God everyday and to try to have a connection and experience with him everyday.


Johnny accompanied me today to my weekly Christian counseling session and we were able to learn Imago; a way to communicate where you have a speaker and a listener and you mirror things back and forth to make sure the things you are trying to say to each other are clear. I didn't realize how helpful it would be. Both of us are very guarded as far as our emotions go and I think we have built walls to keep others out and have sometimes unknowingly kept each other out too. Johnny and I spent a lot of time together today and are really strengthening the foundation of our relationship.

Passover to The Well

As some of you may already know, I was absolutely beside myself when I heard the Casting Crowns, Royal Tailer, Matthew West, Sanctus Real, and Lindsay McCaul "Come to the Well" tour was coming to Chattanooga.  I was discouraged because I did not know how I was going to afford the ticket to be able to go and then was approached by DMI concerts to be a volunteer. I was scheduled to help with the event tonight and was all pumped up, excited, and ready to go. I even got there early and was waiting in the car outside the facility, but I just didn't feel "right" about being there. I felt like I should be somewhere else, as God had other plans for me for tonight.

The moment I realized it, accepted it, and thanked God for the opportunity he gave me and providing me a way to go, I decided to follow his lead and wait for his direction.  A few moments later, my cell phone rang; it was a lady from Church. I have been doing my 40 days of lent blogging leading up to Easter and I am doing a seed presentation for the Easter Sunday service. She is one of the two people that do the music and project images to the screen for the audience. She called and wanted to know what the theme of my presentation was so she could 'match the music' and that she was heading to Hephzibah. I went to the church to meet up with her and didn't know it at the time, but I was actually going to the well.

We were supposed to meet another person there but it worked out that he was unable to make it. It was a devine appointment for her and I to be there. We shed a lot of tears and God ended up doing a lot of healing in both of us. He put us together to bathe in God's love and to come together to the well.

God's Unexpected Gifts

Casting Crowns "Come to the Well" tour is coming to Chattanooga's UTC Arena April 6. I was so excited to hear that they were actually coming to the area and I really want to go. Since I began my spiritual journey, counseling, and healing in the wilderness, Casting Crowns and the other artists included in the tour have held a special place in my heart. Their songs have made a real impact on me and the entire experience. I joined the DMI Concerts mailing list a few months ago and they emailed me and asked me to volunteer at the event!



Here is the info:  GRAMMY®, AMA and 2010 Dove Award-winning Artist of the Year Casting Crowns has just finished a massive 40-city fall concert tour, titled the "Come To The Well" Tour, taking its name from the bands highly-anticipated new studio project, Come To The Well. The tour was such a success that they have booked a spring leg for 2012.  Spring dates have just been announced.  The spring leg of the tour will feature performances by Matthew West and Royal Tailor as well.  Check the date to the left to see if the show will be coming to a city near you.  We hope to see you on the road!