The Potters House

Any piece of clay can be transformed when you land in the Potter's hands. 

Mold me God, to what you want me to be. 

Use me for your work and guide me on the path you chose for me.

Your Calling

Your career is what you're paid for, your calling is what you're made for" - Steve Harvey

Lord, help me find my calling. 

Ordinary Days

Dear Mom,

Its days like today that I miss you the most. Today's Friday and right now the house is quiet. Its days like today that you and I would sit and talk about nothing. I loved the way you could give me advice without directly meddling and trying to sway my life decisions one way or another; which is funny because Johnny always tell me that I don't know how to mind my business and I am convinced that I get that from you; I'm sure dad would agree.

All day, everyone has asked me how I am and my automatic standard reply is "Fine" but honestly, I'm not. I miss you and I've found me blaming myself for you leaving. But I keep thinking, if I had only objected you getting contrast for the CT for PE/DVT protocol. Knowing you had chronic kidney issues that your creatinine was too high for the contrast. I keep feeling like that damn Omnipaque was the catalyst to losing you and I could have stopped it somehow.  Had I not let you get that contrast maybe this whole tailspin would have never started and you would still be here with us - with me. I know that if you were here, you would take me into your arms and wipe my tears away and tell me it really wasn't my fault and that it was God's plan - why I'll never know. It has crossed my mind that maybe it was for Missy. In all of her four years of wisdom and innocence, you dying left Elana (who she associates as a child) an orphan and Missy knew Elana needed a new mommy and daddy and that you left her with Johnny and me. It helped her to understand that your parents aren't necessarily who birth you but the people who put in the love and time to raise you and that made her transition of knowing she was adopted much easier for her. I know you would've given your life for her as if she was your own grandchild and in a way she was. I keep playing all of these scenarios in my head and I just feel like I cannot stop spinning.  I miss you and I always will. They say time will heal all wounds, but its as if today isn't included in "time" somehow.

Today's just an ordinary day; its nothing special. I'm sure it's someone's birthday, but no one I know. Today doesn't mark the change of a season or a holiday but its just another day - another day that I have thought about you. So today, I can add a few hundred tears to add to the sea of tears that I have already cried.

Being Sick

I spent this weekend febrile in bed sick. No matter how old you are, you still want your mamma when you're feeling under the weather.  This weekend was no exception for me.

I cannot believe it has been 1032 days since my father went home.  My mom joined him 469 days ago. I was so angry at God for a long time, I felt cheated and betrayed. It seems unfair to have to live so much of your life without your beloved parents. I know Amber probably feels the same way, even though we have never discussed it. I know we both miss them, equally yet we miss each of them differently.  I am finally to a part where I am forgiving God and thanking him for reaching them, blessing them, and ultimately delivering them.

Mom:  I miss you more than words. I think of you often. Now, after 15 months, I can begin to recall memories of you without my eyes filling with tears and a panic rushing over my body.  Still, every fiber of my being aches for you. I miss your laughter, your voice, your knowledge, your kindness, your unbending strength, and your warmth. I am thankful that I can actually experience some of our memories we made together and smile, laugh, and tell stories of how things use to be and share the things you have taught me. You taught me to choose your battles with your spouse but to appreciate the little things. To love others for who they are and not what you want them to be. Each person is a creation of God but their choices can taint their outcomes, not because of God's design but of our flaws. You taught me to take time to say thank you, for the large things and the small, seemingly insignificant things.

Dad:  Some of the hardest lessons of my life, I learned from you. You were always honest with me about your struggle to fit in and helped me get through the tough times I went through being an overweight child. I appreciate everything you did for me. All the band practices you went to, even though you had to wait in the hot car (the gray ghost) with no air conditioning after working a long day in a hot factory. When I played softball, you took me to every practice and even kept my batting average on the fridge. You never complained and you never missed a game. Thank you for being such a great dad and for being there when it mattered.  I miss your humor when you weren't even trying to be funny.  I miss your belly laugh when something really got you tickled. I miss your wisdom, your guidance, and your gentle, yet firm discipline you always provided.

Drops of inspiration

This morning, I was on my way to work and I had my window cracked, which is very unlike me. It was a clear day, cool but not cold, breezy but not windy. I was stopped at a red light when a chilly droplet of dew which had been gathering through the open crack landed onto my hand. It was a single droplet and it made me stop in my tracks. It most certainly got my attention.

 

Sometimes its easy to feel unnoticed, as f we are all raindrops in a huge storm and individually our strength is low; I feel like when we bind together and can create a flood. On the flip side of the same coin, it only took one well-placed droplet of dew to grab my attention and to change the whole tone of my day. No droplet, no matter how small, goes unnoticed. Small gestures toward other people can make a huge impact. Whose hand has your droplet touched today?

Making Plans

 

My planner at work - spoke volumes to me. The pouch includes thank you cards for our dept to be given to other departments and sponsors, bandaids, and a serenity prayer bookmark. Give thanks, always be open to healing, and know that God is in control. Was profound to me.

Worthy

wor·thy  (wûr)

adj. wor·thi·er, wor·thi·est

1. Having worth, merit, or value; useful or valuable.

2. Honorable; admirable: a worthy fellow.

3. Having sufficient worth; deserving: worthy to be revered; worthy of acclaim.

Who is worthy of God's love?  In my mind, none of us are as we are all bruised fruit.

To the father, all sins are equally blemishes on our unclean body, soul, mind, spirit, and heart. I have to take a step back and realize that not one sin in his eyes is more sinful than another; it was man that put different values on sin. To God the father, one sin no darker or more unholy than another from a stretch of the truth, adultry, murder, theft, anger, greed, wrath, pride, lust, envy. All must be confessed and covered by his blood.

I was raised in church and was always taught Jesus died for my sins but I don't think I ever made the solid connection on what exactly that meant. He was literally tortured for my sins; not his own. He was treated as a thief and murderer and was tormented and agnoized for all of my wrong doings.

Who decides who is worthy of love?  My love? God's Love? Am I selective on who I give my forgiveness to? Because God isn't. What makes me or anyone else worthy of his love, mercy, grace, forgiveness? Being washed in the blood makes me worthy.

Come to the well. Forgiveness is here.

He Still Loves Me

[W]
Took me a while
But I'm finally here
I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
Talked about out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
(turned my life around)

[Chorus:]
Seems like I always fall short of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
(yeah)

I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
Loves me

[B]
I used to wake up some days
and wish I'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world
today the world's on top of me
everybody's got opinions
(they share)
They aint been in my position
(they don't care)
that it breaks my heart when I hear what they have to say about me yeah
(what they say)

seems like I always fall short (fallin short)
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (still loves me)

[All]
I aint no superstar
(I wanna be for you)
The spotlight aint shinin on me
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me

I'm not perfect
(I'm not perfect)
Yes I do wrong
(yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best
(trying my best but)
But it aint good enough
(just aint good enough)
Shunned by the world
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good
But he still loves me
(I just aint good enough)

If you aint worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved, loved

Stand for him and fall for anything
Cause through his eyes we all look the same
What would we do without blame?

Feels like we always fall short
Of bein worthy (we are not worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
I aint no superstar
(I aint no superstar but I wanna be for you Lord)
The spotlight aint shinin on me
Cuz I aint good enough
(Oh)
But you still love me

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
(tryin my best)
It aint good enough
(I'm not good enough)
Shunned be the word
(shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
(i dont succeed-ceed-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
(child sing with me)
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
It aint good enough
(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
(Shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
Cuz I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
But he still loves me
(The Lord still loves me)

No I aint good enough
But He still loves me
(Raise your hands if ya understand)
No I aint good enough
(How he blessed you cuz he blessed you too)
but He still loves me
(even though I aint worthy)
No I aint good enough
(you aint worthy, He's there for you)
but He still loves me
(no matter what I do)
No I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
but he still loves me
(but the Lord still loves me)

Wonder of a child

Wednesday, while i was leaving work, i received a phone call from my grandmother to go to dinner with her and my moms sister my aunt Lisa and my niece Marissa. We went to Logan's steakhouse and had a great time. I really miss them. Yesterday after work, my grandmother took me to the IMAX and to both aquariums. It really brought me back to the wonder I felt as a child and knowing that we are all but tiny specks in this universe yet so important to God.

Coming Home Again

I have been absent from the blog but am still present in my own journey. This past weekend, my husband Johnny took the weekend off to get some rest and of course I put him to work at home. We built and planted five additional raised bed planters, four 30 x 30 inch and one 52 x 30 inch. I planted sun sugar tomatoes, jumbo sweet cantaloupe, crimson sweet watermelon, and green peas. I'll add photos at a later time as it is raining out at the moment.

We didn't go to church on Sunday because we were trying to get our garden finished and I was so blessed by a visit from Norm and Miriam. She is the most amazing seamstress and made me a purse (which is the most beautiful purse that I've ever had) and brought me two buckets of orange tiger lilies. Johnny took the time and made two trenches for me along the fence row and beside our house so I could plant the buckets of lilies.

I am finding my circles are changing and evolving as I grow spiritually and as I begin to heal. I know God places the people in my life exactly when I need them and he will provide for me and my family. God has put me in a situation over the last two years where I had to use my faith by necessity and not by choice. I am learning that it is easier to embrace God and your path and walk with him hand in hand instead of being forced to go in his direction. His will be done.

Come to the Well

Lyrics | Casting Crowns lyrics - The Well lyrics

Bruised Fruit

When you go to the fruit stand or the grocery store, have you ever noticed that the only thing left was blemished or bruised fruit? Why is bruised fruit picked over? Perhaps its looks are decieving? Maybe the description word "bruised" is a little harsh, should we just consider it "ripe"? After all, ripe fruit usually tastes so much better and even seems a little sweeter. When chefs pick out fruit to cook with or to eat, they usually go for whatever is in season and whatever is ripe. The most delicious pies are made from the ripest fruit.

Don't be discouraged if your "fruit" is bruised or blemished. God created you just the way you are, bruises and all.

And in the morning, I'm making waffles!

The first thing my pastor Dr. Bob taught me is that most people (especially women) view their problems as chocolate chips in a pancake -  not that chocolate could EVER be bad, but figuratively seeing every chocolate chip as an issue and you can see them all at once. Its as if they are multiplying and magnifying the whole thing - some of them even clump together! We try to fix everything all at one time; we're natural multitaskers you know!

God on the other hand deals with our problems like waffles, compartmentalizing every little thing. He works on things one thing at a time. One square and one chocolate chip at a time. 

Exfoliation

Exfoliation isn't just for your skin. What does it really mean?

Exfoliation has several meanings:

• Exfoliation (botany) describes the loss of leaves (or, in some cases, pieces of bark) from a plant.
• Exfoliation (cosmetology), is a cosmetic technique aimed at removing dead skin cells from the face and body.
• Exfoliation (geology) is a weathering process.
• Exfoliation (material science) is the process responsible for breaking up particle aggregates.

I have found through this journey in the wilderness that I have to take time for every part of my body to cleanse and give everything a chance to rejuvenate, renew, and exfoliate where necessary.

Like the seasons changing and a tree shedding its leaves in the fall, I too, must shed my leaves for the changing of the season and prepare myself for what is to come.

Have a little faith

“When a baby comes into the world, its hands are clenched, right? Like this?"

"Why? Because a baby not knowing any better, wants to grab everything, to say the whole world is mine. But when an old person dies, how does he do so? 

Why? Because he has learned his lesson." "What lesson?" I asked. He stretched open his empty fingers. "We can take nothing with us.”  

― Mitch Albom, Have a Little Faith: The Story of a Last Request

When your hands are open you can let go of things you shouldn't be holding on. Letting go of something else opens the opportunity for your hands to be unclenched and open for whatever the nest step in the journey is, Keeping your hand open promotes two things:  

1.  You want to give all you have to others and share the lessons, the laughter, and the gifts. Your life is a blessing and blessings are meant to be shared. 

2.  Keep your hands open - to release something and to receiving something different or better. 

All This Time

I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day
it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/britt-nicole-lyrics/all-this-time-lyrics.html ]

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I'm not the same me
And I saw the proof I need
I felt Love I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

Youve been walkin with me all this time

All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time