Becoming anew

Day 14

I celebrate the life of a dear friend of our family's who has been gone for exactly one year today. I hurt for his family, ache for his children, and I still shed tears for him.  He's been on my mind for a few weeks now but I cannot believe he has already been gone for a year.





I remember when mom was planning her own funeral, she requested him preach her funeral. He called me the day mom passed to tell me how sorry he was that he could not fulfill her last wishes, as he was sick himself and was being put into the hospital. I didn't know then that he was dying too, but even in his last days he tried to help others. I'll never forget the kindness he and his family always showed ours and I'm sure he is rejoicing with my parents today for they are all free and all have new bodies. 

I miss you Mike, we all do. But today, I think of one of your famous quotes and smile: He who is flexible is never bent out of shape.

Being Sick

I spent this weekend febrile in bed sick. No matter how old you are, you still want your mamma when you're feeling under the weather.  This weekend was no exception for me.

I cannot believe it has been 1032 days since my father went home.  My mom joined him 469 days ago. I was so angry at God for a long time, I felt cheated and betrayed. It seems unfair to have to live so much of your life without your beloved parents. I know Amber probably feels the same way, even though we have never discussed it. I know we both miss them, equally yet we miss each of them differently.  I am finally to a part where I am forgiving God and thanking him for reaching them, blessing them, and ultimately delivering them.

Mom:  I miss you more than words. I think of you often. Now, after 15 months, I can begin to recall memories of you without my eyes filling with tears and a panic rushing over my body.  Still, every fiber of my being aches for you. I miss your laughter, your voice, your knowledge, your kindness, your unbending strength, and your warmth. I am thankful that I can actually experience some of our memories we made together and smile, laugh, and tell stories of how things use to be and share the things you have taught me. You taught me to choose your battles with your spouse but to appreciate the little things. To love others for who they are and not what you want them to be. Each person is a creation of God but their choices can taint their outcomes, not because of God's design but of our flaws. You taught me to take time to say thank you, for the large things and the small, seemingly insignificant things.

Dad:  Some of the hardest lessons of my life, I learned from you. You were always honest with me about your struggle to fit in and helped me get through the tough times I went through being an overweight child. I appreciate everything you did for me. All the band practices you went to, even though you had to wait in the hot car (the gray ghost) with no air conditioning after working a long day in a hot factory. When I played softball, you took me to every practice and even kept my batting average on the fridge. You never complained and you never missed a game. Thank you for being such a great dad and for being there when it mattered.  I miss your humor when you weren't even trying to be funny.  I miss your belly laugh when something really got you tickled. I miss your wisdom, your guidance, and your gentle, yet firm discipline you always provided.

Psalms 8

Day 12

Psalms 8:3-6

When I consider the heavens, the works of your fingers, the moon and stars which thou hath ordained, what is man that thou are mindful of him? 

You made them rulers over the works of your hands and put everything under their feet. 

Capable

Day 11

Attitude is everything

Day 10

Ability is what you're capable of doing.

Motivation determines what you do.

Attitude determines how well you do it. 

Leadership

Day 9

Do not follow where the path may lead. 

Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Brilliance

Day 8

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man be perfected without trials. 

Inspiration

Day 7

You cannot discover new lands without losing site of the shore

Starry Night

Day 6

Ideas are like stars, you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. Believe in them and follow them and you will achieve your goals.

Healing Begins

Day 5

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North
So you thought you had to keep this upAll the work that you do so we think that you're goodAnd you can't believe it's not enoughAll the walls you built up are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall downThere's freedom waiting in the soundWhen you let your walls fall to the groundWe're here now
This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing startsWhen you come to where you're broken withinThe light meets the dark, the light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets outEverything that you hide can come crashing through the door nowBut too scared to face all your fearSo you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear
So let it fall downThere's freedom waiting in the soundWhen you let your walls fall to the groundWe're here now, we're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing startsWhen you come to where you're broken withinThe light meets the dark, the light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides with the dark inside of usSo please don't fight this coming lightLet this blood come cover usHis blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing startsWhen you come to where you're broken withinThe light meets the dark, the light meets the dark

Worn

Day 4

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired

I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too week

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn

Yeah I'm worn

Opportunities for change

Day 3

My niece has recently began asking questions about her birth parents and why they aren't raising her. Thankfully, she has been taught that your mommy is the person who cares for you, not just the person who's belly the doctor cut you out of.  I am so very proud of my aunt, my sister, and our grandmother, not only for being rock stars and raising her, but for always being honest with her. They give her constants: discipline, affirmation, honesty, love, and affection.  They give the five year-old little girl the tools needed to draw her own conclusions and to create her own healthy perspectives of every situation. But, when she does ask questions, they give her doses of gentle truth.

I have heard of the whole nature versus nurture thing my whole life and I have realized that certain particular aspects of daily living are learned behaviors. For instance, Love: The most basic instinct of human nature is a learned behavior. Loving someone through the good times and the bad is a learned behavior. Choosing to love and choosing love, is a learned behavior. I think the affirmation I received is meeting and falling in love with my husband. In our early relationship, he loved me the best he knew how, but he had to learn to love me in the traditional sense as husband and wife love each other; he had no examples of that growing up and that was something he had to learn from being around other Christians and from my parents.  If love is not taught from the very beginning, it is not a lost cause. Sometimes all people need is the opportunity to learn and someone willing to teach.

Miracles

Day 2

Never give up hope and keep the faith

Ash Wednesday

Today starts the period of remembrance and gratitude. I decided to take a different spin on it this year. Last year, as you know, instead of giving up something traditional like meat, coffee, or dairy, I gave up something more valuable to me than even food - my time. I intend to do that this year but also to plant some seeds of kindness, gratitude, and optimism. Some may be tidbits of inspiration I have gathered along my journey or simply my thoughts for the day. I am thankful you are willing to accompany me on the journey.

Day 1

Doubt sees the obstacles, 
faith sees the way

Doubt sees the dark of night,
faith sees the day

Doubt dreads to take a step,
faith soars high

Doubt questions "who believes?"
Faith answers "I"

Holy Saturday

So today is the last day of Lent. I have never participated in lent until this year; the household I grew up in and church I was raised in recognized Easter and the whole resurrection but not the lent portion. Being a gastric bypass patient not eating much and having dietary restrictions, I decided to give up something that was equally as precious to me, my time. I have tried to dedicate time to God everyday and to try to have a connection and experience with him everyday.


Johnny accompanied me today to my weekly Christian counseling session and we were able to learn Imago; a way to communicate where you have a speaker and a listener and you mirror things back and forth to make sure the things you are trying to say to each other are clear. I didn't realize how helpful it would be. Both of us are very guarded as far as our emotions go and I think we have built walls to keep others out and have sometimes unknowingly kept each other out too. Johnny and I spent a lot of time together today and are really strengthening the foundation of our relationship.

Passover to The Well

As some of you may already know, I was absolutely beside myself when I heard the Casting Crowns, Royal Tailer, Matthew West, Sanctus Real, and Lindsay McCaul "Come to the Well" tour was coming to Chattanooga.  I was discouraged because I did not know how I was going to afford the ticket to be able to go and then was approached by DMI concerts to be a volunteer. I was scheduled to help with the event tonight and was all pumped up, excited, and ready to go. I even got there early and was waiting in the car outside the facility, but I just didn't feel "right" about being there. I felt like I should be somewhere else, as God had other plans for me for tonight.

The moment I realized it, accepted it, and thanked God for the opportunity he gave me and providing me a way to go, I decided to follow his lead and wait for his direction.  A few moments later, my cell phone rang; it was a lady from Church. I have been doing my 40 days of lent blogging leading up to Easter and I am doing a seed presentation for the Easter Sunday service. She is one of the two people that do the music and project images to the screen for the audience. She called and wanted to know what the theme of my presentation was so she could 'match the music' and that she was heading to Hephzibah. I went to the church to meet up with her and didn't know it at the time, but I was actually going to the well.

We were supposed to meet another person there but it worked out that he was unable to make it. It was a devine appointment for her and I to be there. We shed a lot of tears and God ended up doing a lot of healing in both of us. He put us together to bathe in God's love and to come together to the well.

Raise the Drawbridge and Lower the Portcullis!

I had a confrontation today with someone and my Danger Will Robinson alarm went off. I have problems letting people in who I shouldn't and pushing away the people I should let in. My alarm system is all messed up and I'm trying to sort it out.

Yesterday I Cried

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Yesterday I Cried, and In the Meantime was the first 'set' of books I read as an adult. The author, Iyanla Vanzant has to be one of my favorite speakers, writers, teachers, and influentual women of all time. I refer to the term "set" loosely, as she has an incredible array of motivational self-help books under her belt but I have only had the pleasure to read three.

I read them when I was a teenager; I struggled a lot emotionally as a child. I dealt with depression from a very young age but my life has changed so drastically that my perspective of "life" would be different if I were to read the books now.  Maybe that'll be my next project. If anyone out there has any of her books, dust them off the shelf and allow yourself to open up. It'll be hard, painful, and you'll probably cry but it'll be worth it.

Drudging through the loss

It has been just over four months. I still miss her so much. The realness of her absence is becoming more and more evident with each passing day. I usually close my bedroom door when I come home because when she was here, I could sit on my bed and talk to her, while she sat on her bed just across the hall. I still instinctively look for her; I guess a part of me hoping she is still there. She always smiled; even when she felt horrible, she smiled through her pain. There is a great lesson in that. She always loved children and knew the innocence the splendor they possess and she soaked it up like a thirsty plant in a storm. She wanted as much of that as she could get and then more. She loved every child she ever had a hand in raising and even those she didn't. I did not realize until she was gone exactly how many people she had touched: grown men, women, children, girls, boys, she loved them all. It didn't matter what size, color, gender, orientation, status, religion, or 100 other "deal-breakers" for other people. Mom loved people - period. Another lesson. It doesn't matter what particular set of circumstances occurred to put someone in their current situation. The who, how, when, where, and why is irrelevant; at the end of the day, the details don't matter. You just love them through the storm.

My dad has been gone now for 23 months. When I close my eyes, I still replay the vivid memories of us sitting around playing cards or board games as a family. Both of my parents were fierce card players and my parents had been playing as a team for so many years that anyone who dared to challenge the duo was doomed. When they were teaching my sister and I to play, we would have to divide them up and have them on separate teams for either of us to ever have a chance. Which is funny if any of you knew my grandmother (my dad's mother). She was avidly against cards and would not even allow us to play solitaire in her house. I guess it was my father's "silent rebellion" to learn to be such a good canasta player. My parents use to have difficult discussions over the dinner table as a family and they gave us life advice over cards. I didn't know it at the time. I still laugh though every time I think of my father giving my husband Johnny advice, "Son you can either be right or you can be happy". Daddy never was the type to say much, but what he did take the time to say, he made it count. Therein another lesson.

I miss the crisp fall nights gathered around a campfire roasting marshmallows at Walter and Juretta's house. Dad didn't want to be the center of attention very much, but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. I remember listening to him tell corny jokes and stories that seemed to go on forever but I wish so much I could hear his voice again and laugh at the same joke that I had heard 100 times one more time.

Keep the Faith

Some days it feels like I have to constantly remind myself to keep the faith. A lady I work with mentioned this graphic below at work today and I finally found it and thought I would share. I hope it puts a smile on your face like it did mine. 

This should be my sister (Amber) and I's national anthem; whenever we have a rough day, one of the two of us will sing this to the other. With the "rough patch" - and yes I say that loosely, we have endured the last five years, it seems to be always appropriate - by the way, I'm usually the "mister grumpy gills" in this scenario.