The Potters House

Any piece of clay can be transformed when you land in the Potter's hands. 

Mold me God, to what you want me to be. 

Use me for your work and guide me on the path you chose for me.

Finding My Truth - Update

As a continuation of my previous post, I have given myself a little over two weeks to discover my truth and my truth is I've been broken and angry with God for the past four years now. I struggle every day with grief as I still have not "gotten over" losing my parents. I don't think its something you ever get "over" I think its just something you get numb to over time.  I have back problems and joint problems and am constantly in pain. I have struggled with weight; I had the gastric bypass and even though I don't very much, I still gain weight.  I have struggled with infertility for years and I know a child is something my husband really wants.  My best friend and I have suffered so much loss over the past four years and my sister has several life-long illnesses that there is no cure for.

Then I found this video:

Post by Daniel Maynigo.

My truth is I cannot do any of this without him and I need to start giving him more praise, more thanks, and more of myself and my time.  I usually do that by posting here, about my struggles and how he helps me through them.  I want to make more of a conscious effort to do more of that. Thank you God for the blessings in my life. Thank you for the realization that some of the blessings and changes in my life are painful but are molding me for who you made me to be.

Worn

Day 4

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired

I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too week

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn

Yeah I'm worn

Unexpected Blessings Wrapping up 2012

In October, we received a call from Johnny's sister Nicole that her and Bobby's mother (Kathy - who took care of Johnny when he was a toddler before Bobby and Nicole were every born) was passing away in Minnesota and wanted to make sure we knew. Minnesota was 1,000 miles away from where we live (one-way) and his brother Bobby, halfway between Chattanooga, TN and Rochester, MN (Chicago, IL area) would not have a way to get there unless we picked him up on our way, so we did. We made the trip out of faith, not sure we could even afford to go but God made it happen and we were all blessed because of it. We wanted to go. Not only so Johnny could pay his respects to her for being a mother to him for a short while when she didn't have to be, but for him to be there for his brother and sister during this difficult (and as I know from my own personal experience) life-changing event.

Johnny, Bobby, and Nicole have the same father but were not raised together in the same household - Bobby and Nicole were, but Johnny was not. Johnny was older than the other children and had a different mother. For some reason or another, Johnny had kept in closer contact with Bobby than Nicole. Johnny and Nicole both had circumstances that played roles in them not being close growing up that were out of their control. When we made the trip to Minnesota (lovingly referred by me as Minne-snow-da) the trip was bitter sweet. It was an unfortunate circumstantial meeting that would play a crucial part in our future.  It was closing a chapter for all of the kids in losing their mother but a whole new experience of us having the opportunity to get to know them.

In our four day unplanned excursion, we were able to spend time with Nicole and Ken and lay the foundation for us to form closer bonds in the future. We are all getting to know each other as adults. Nicole is married to a wonderful man of God, husband, and father (Ken) and they have been together for ten years and Johnny was already married to me for approximately 10 years when Johnny/Nicole reunited so it is as if we are all four getting a chance to get to know each other and to form this beautiful, yet necessary bond that will allow each of us growth as individuals. The wonderful thing about it is we (both couples) have so much in common as in relationship dynamics, spiritual beliefs, and personalities that we have become great friends as well as family. For me, it has created this kindred-ness of being brothers/sisters in Christ and given us the opportunity to explore this new sense of family that has not always been possible.  Ken and Nicole have this incredible son named Carter who is just the cutest thing and such a gentle spirit. I can't wait to see him grow up! Nicole and I recently discovered face-time on Ken's iPod and my iPhone and have graduated to Gmail video chat, so its like we can have face to face conversations even though we are 800 miles away.

I was so blessed today because I was able to talk to both Ken and Nicole for 3 hours over video chat and they were able to give me some spiritual advice/guidance from someone my age who has had similar experiences and they were able to give me some insight into my own reflection that really helped me begin to heal. I really did spend some of the last few hours of 2012 in deep reflection of myself, my circumstances, and in a safe emotional place that I could really make some changes for the new year.

Ken talked to me about building the foundation of great relationships with spouses/God together is like a triangle foundation of Alignment, Commitment, and Accountability at the top. His graphic was a little lacking so I made an improvement for him ;-)

Christmas Shoes

I have had little time to do any Christmas preparation but have taken a few moments myself for some quiet reflection this holiday season. I have delayed putting up my Christmas tree this year; I originally wanted to blame procrastination, but have realized that my hesitation has been sprinkled with a bit of bitter-sweetness. It was my mom's most special time of the year. She adored her Christmas tree so much and it was something we did together. I was the only one she trusted to handle her most prized possessions. I blamed God for a long time for taking her from me so young. From taking both of them from my sister and I. What was the purpose? The lesson? Then I realized, their short time on earth with us was not a  punishment but yet a gift. I keep coming back to just being thankful for the time I had with them. I miss them both terribly, but this time of year meant so much to my family. 
I remember my father telling us stories after my sister and I were grown about how he would stay up all night putting our Santa gifts together. When I was four, my parents bought me a my little pony castle. It was exquisite and each petal of every flower had to be snapped together and assembled by hand. My dad stayed up all night long putting all of my flowers in my garden and he had been in bed for about ten minutes when my sister and I rounded the corner and woke them up because "Santa" came.  
My parents had to work hard to trick us, especially me, I was sneaky!  We were nosy, snoopy, and couldn't stand the waiting and anticipation of Christmas morning.  Our parents had to hide our stuff at my aunt's house until the middle of the night and my dad would have to leave out and go pick it up and carefully lug everything in quietly without waking us; and as most children, Amber and I never slept on Christmas Eve, especially me, I was a light sleeper. I remember we would up all night watching for Santa and listening for reindeer hooves and jingle bells - and I always heard them (that is part of the magic of Christmas)! When we were finally exhausted our little eyes would finally flutter until we would drift away for just a few minutes before we woke up and realized Santa came. 
Santa always came for us. He never let us down. My parents never let us down.  Even after we were grown, they both knew we didn't believe anymore and we knew they knew but we all still followed the tradition because it was Christmas. Now that they are gone, those memories are so much more precious to me. I was working and had the radio playing one of my favorite stations that plays Christmas songs from December 1 until Christmas and this song came on.  I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. My parents sacrificed so much for us their entire lives and I will always come back to being thankful, not only that they birthed me, but I had the pleasure of knowing them, the honor of being theirs, and will forever be blessed that they were a part of my life, even if for just a little while.

Peace, love, and rainbows

Excerpt from my personal diary. This entry means so much more after losing momma. I cannot read it without weeping. I miss them both so very much.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Peace, love, and rainbows

So Tuesday after work, I rode to Dayton with my mom so she could get her Physical Therapy done on her back.  After we went, it started raining and it rained the entire hour of her PT.  When mom got done with it, I told her I wanted to go visit Daddy's grave.  As soon as we turned onto the road headed toward the cemetery, there was the most beautiful rainbow.  It was only a partial rainbow and didn't complete an entire arc.  Its like the upper part of the arc just disappeared into the heavens. 

As we drove down the little one lane road, as we got closer to the rainbow, the rainbow itself got wider and brighter.  Then we noticed another faint rainbow, right next to it.  It is too faint to see in the pictures I actually took on the way to the cemetery.  The closer we got to the cemetery, the more it seemed that the rainbow was leading us there and that the other end of the rainbow was right over the cemetery. 

As we turned onto the little dirt road that the cemetery was on, I saw two deer standing in the road and I stopped the car, waiting on them to cross and one stopped and looked at me right in the eye; then two more pranced across the road slowly and another made eye contact with me briefly as it leaped into the grassy area on the other side of the road.  I remember the look in their eyes, neither expression (from either deer) was out of fear; you know sometimes you expect the "deer in the headlights" look but that wasn't it at all.  It almost seemed like a gesture of courtesy instead of fear.  I can still see that last deer's face in my mind.  I'll probably always remember the expression on her face and the big fluffy white tail as she turned and leaped into the woods.

I arrived at the cemetery, I looked up to the sky to the rainbow that had guided us there and it disappeared.  Just as quickly as we had spotted in the sky, it was gone.  I drove up the little path through the cemetery and parked next to my dad's unmarked grave.  It still had the flowers we put on it for "decoration" on Mother's Day, seemingly just as we left it (that was the last day I visited him). No grass had grown and no dirt had settled.  It was just as I remembered it.  As I stood there in silence, with gentle warm tears rolling down my face, there was a soft breeze that wrapped itself around me.  The breeze itself wasn't really warm but it wasn't cool either.  All of a sudden I felt completely surrounded by warmth and I just felt completely at peace and knew he was at peace too. 

In the Bible, a single rainbow symbolized God's covenant to Noah to never destroy the earth by flood again.  In modern times, the symbolism of rainbows has been with homosexuality and gay pride but the Christian symbolism remains similar; a single rainbow is a symbol of God's promise to you and his covenant to you to never leave you and to see you through all of the obstacles in your life. 

The double rainbow is the symbol of transformation. My life has totally changed since losing my father.  Its changed for everyone in my family and our family friends. I know losing him has changed me.  When he passed, there were a ton of flowers and plants.  I got a single red rose (which has since dried) that I keep in my living room on top of our entertainment center and a potted plant (a peace lily).  My mom kept most of the flowers and gave some to her brother, sister, and their kids and one to my grandmother. Every plant from my father's funeral that my mom kept herself has died.  Mine is the only one still living that I know of. 

I call it "daddy".  I know that seems incredibly stupid but somehow I guess if I keep that plant alive and talk to him (my dad -- not the plant), that it keeps him alive somehow.  I'm a little neurotic about making sure it gets watered once a week and I keep all of the dead leaves pulled and clipped away and I really care for it.  My momma looked at me so funny the first time I asked her to water Daddy.  We were leaving PT and it was raining and I said to mom -- remind me to water Daddy.. She put her hand out in the rain and said gently, "Your daddy is getting watered right now"...  Somehow that was comforting to me. 

I loved my Daddy.  I never knew how much though until he was gone.  We fought a lot, because we were so much alike and we bucked heads a lot.  But after he coded I held his left hand everytime I saw him, because I knew it was connected straight to his heart.  I miss him so much. I know I always will.

Drops of inspiration

This morning, I was on my way to work and I had my window cracked, which is very unlike me. It was a clear day, cool but not cold, breezy but not windy. I was stopped at a red light when a chilly droplet of dew which had been gathering through the open crack landed onto my hand. It was a single droplet and it made me stop in my tracks. It most certainly got my attention.

 

Sometimes its easy to feel unnoticed, as f we are all raindrops in a huge storm and individually our strength is low; I feel like when we bind together and can create a flood. On the flip side of the same coin, it only took one well-placed droplet of dew to grab my attention and to change the whole tone of my day. No droplet, no matter how small, goes unnoticed. Small gestures toward other people can make a huge impact. Whose hand has your droplet touched today?

Making Plans

 

My planner at work - spoke volumes to me. The pouch includes thank you cards for our dept to be given to other departments and sponsors, bandaids, and a serenity prayer bookmark. Give thanks, always be open to healing, and know that God is in control. Was profound to me.

Forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you


Forgiveness by Matthew West

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Wonder of a child

Wednesday, while i was leaving work, i received a phone call from my grandmother to go to dinner with her and my moms sister my aunt Lisa and my niece Marissa. We went to Logan's steakhouse and had a great time. I really miss them. Yesterday after work, my grandmother took me to the IMAX and to both aquariums. It really brought me back to the wonder I felt as a child and knowing that we are all but tiny specks in this universe yet so important to God.