Finding My Truth - Update

As a continuation of my previous post, I have given myself a little over two weeks to discover my truth and my truth is I've been broken and angry with God for the past four years now. I struggle every day with grief as I still have not "gotten over" losing my parents. I don't think its something you ever get "over" I think its just something you get numb to over time.  I have back problems and joint problems and am constantly in pain. I have struggled with weight; I had the gastric bypass and even though I don't very much, I still gain weight.  I have struggled with infertility for years and I know a child is something my husband really wants.  My best friend and I have suffered so much loss over the past four years and my sister has several life-long illnesses that there is no cure for.

Then I found this video:

Post by Daniel Maynigo.

My truth is I cannot do any of this without him and I need to start giving him more praise, more thanks, and more of myself and my time.  I usually do that by posting here, about my struggles and how he helps me through them.  I want to make more of a conscious effort to do more of that. Thank you God for the blessings in my life. Thank you for the realization that some of the blessings and changes in my life are painful but are molding me for who you made me to be.

Wings

Today's a day that if I had wings, I would wrap them around myself and sit somewhere quietly.  I would grieve in silence and not want to be disturbed. I ache for the family of my pastor. For his wife, who I hold very dear... for his children, who will be without a father.. for his grandchildren who lost the best male role model their life will ever have... for his flock that is now without a shepherd... I am, however, in awe of the legacy he leaves behind.  The legacy that he left wasn't him - it was Jesus. His job while on earth was to make sure no one was left behind - not the wounded, the broken or desolate. He believed in that so strongly that he named his ministry Hephzibah's House Ministries which is from the verse "You shall no longer be termed desolate...but you shall be called Hephzibah for the Lord delights in you. --Isaiah 62:4"

He was so gifted, connected, and so in-tuned with God and his relationship with others. He understood people and their struggle.  He was a counselor, a mentor, and a most of all a friend; he love people enough to tell them the truth - even if it hurt.  He will forever be a person who taught me a lot in the little time I knew him. The Lord's work will continue because he planted a seed in others to do so.  Thank you Bob - for your contribution to the world, to my community, to my church, and to my life.  My life was blessed because you and Janet were in it. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-5English Standard Version (ESV)

God of All Comfort

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a]

Ordinary Days

Dear Mom,

Its days like today that I miss you the most. Today's Friday and right now the house is quiet. Its days like today that you and I would sit and talk about nothing. I loved the way you could give me advice without directly meddling and trying to sway my life decisions one way or another; which is funny because Johnny always tell me that I don't know how to mind my business and I am convinced that I get that from you; I'm sure dad would agree.

All day, everyone has asked me how I am and my automatic standard reply is "Fine" but honestly, I'm not. I miss you and I've found me blaming myself for you leaving. But I keep thinking, if I had only objected you getting contrast for the CT for PE/DVT protocol. Knowing you had chronic kidney issues that your creatinine was too high for the contrast. I keep feeling like that damn Omnipaque was the catalyst to losing you and I could have stopped it somehow.  Had I not let you get that contrast maybe this whole tailspin would have never started and you would still be here with us - with me. I know that if you were here, you would take me into your arms and wipe my tears away and tell me it really wasn't my fault and that it was God's plan - why I'll never know. It has crossed my mind that maybe it was for Missy. In all of her four years of wisdom and innocence, you dying left Elana (who she associates as a child) an orphan and Missy knew Elana needed a new mommy and daddy and that you left her with Johnny and me. It helped her to understand that your parents aren't necessarily who birth you but the people who put in the love and time to raise you and that made her transition of knowing she was adopted much easier for her. I know you would've given your life for her as if she was your own grandchild and in a way she was. I keep playing all of these scenarios in my head and I just feel like I cannot stop spinning.  I miss you and I always will. They say time will heal all wounds, but its as if today isn't included in "time" somehow.

Today's just an ordinary day; its nothing special. I'm sure it's someone's birthday, but no one I know. Today doesn't mark the change of a season or a holiday but its just another day - another day that I have thought about you. So today, I can add a few hundred tears to add to the sea of tears that I have already cried.

STRUGGLING

 

  Today is May 8, 2014 - its officially been 1,468 days since Daddy went home and 905 days since Momma joined him. I've been seriously struggling emotionally since they left.  I read back on an old blog posting tonight that said it had been 14 months since Mom died and I could actually start talking about it ---- well now, today -- I can't.  I cannot talk or think about either parent without going into a full-on panic/anxiety attack. When they first passed, I could talk about it and listen to and tell stories about them -- but now I am surrounded by constant reminders of their passing.  Mom's anniversary of her death is a week before thanksgiving and their birthdays are the week after new years and dad's anniversary of his passing is the week before mother's day.  My birthday is the week of father's day. Its like everything is connected  I think part of my problem is I am attempting to disconnect instead of work through the grief - the biggest reason why though is I am not sure how or where to start. I know one of my struggles is automatically connecting everything with their death - i need to make a purposeful effort to connect these life events with their lives and not to forget the living.  

Becoming anew

Day 14

I celebrate the life of a dear friend of our family's who has been gone for exactly one year today. I hurt for his family, ache for his children, and I still shed tears for him.  He's been on my mind for a few weeks now but I cannot believe he has already been gone for a year.





I remember when mom was planning her own funeral, she requested him preach her funeral. He called me the day mom passed to tell me how sorry he was that he could not fulfill her last wishes, as he was sick himself and was being put into the hospital. I didn't know then that he was dying too, but even in his last days he tried to help others. I'll never forget the kindness he and his family always showed ours and I'm sure he is rejoicing with my parents today for they are all free and all have new bodies. 

I miss you Mike, we all do. But today, I think of one of your famous quotes and smile: He who is flexible is never bent out of shape.

Being Sick

I spent this weekend febrile in bed sick. No matter how old you are, you still want your mamma when you're feeling under the weather.  This weekend was no exception for me.

I cannot believe it has been 1032 days since my father went home.  My mom joined him 469 days ago. I was so angry at God for a long time, I felt cheated and betrayed. It seems unfair to have to live so much of your life without your beloved parents. I know Amber probably feels the same way, even though we have never discussed it. I know we both miss them, equally yet we miss each of them differently.  I am finally to a part where I am forgiving God and thanking him for reaching them, blessing them, and ultimately delivering them.

Mom:  I miss you more than words. I think of you often. Now, after 15 months, I can begin to recall memories of you without my eyes filling with tears and a panic rushing over my body.  Still, every fiber of my being aches for you. I miss your laughter, your voice, your knowledge, your kindness, your unbending strength, and your warmth. I am thankful that I can actually experience some of our memories we made together and smile, laugh, and tell stories of how things use to be and share the things you have taught me. You taught me to choose your battles with your spouse but to appreciate the little things. To love others for who they are and not what you want them to be. Each person is a creation of God but their choices can taint their outcomes, not because of God's design but of our flaws. You taught me to take time to say thank you, for the large things and the small, seemingly insignificant things.

Dad:  Some of the hardest lessons of my life, I learned from you. You were always honest with me about your struggle to fit in and helped me get through the tough times I went through being an overweight child. I appreciate everything you did for me. All the band practices you went to, even though you had to wait in the hot car (the gray ghost) with no air conditioning after working a long day in a hot factory. When I played softball, you took me to every practice and even kept my batting average on the fridge. You never complained and you never missed a game. Thank you for being such a great dad and for being there when it mattered.  I miss your humor when you weren't even trying to be funny.  I miss your belly laugh when something really got you tickled. I miss your wisdom, your guidance, and your gentle, yet firm discipline you always provided.

Peace, love, and rainbows

Excerpt from my personal diary. This entry means so much more after losing momma. I cannot read it without weeping. I miss them both so very much.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Peace, love, and rainbows

So Tuesday after work, I rode to Dayton with my mom so she could get her Physical Therapy done on her back.  After we went, it started raining and it rained the entire hour of her PT.  When mom got done with it, I told her I wanted to go visit Daddy's grave.  As soon as we turned onto the road headed toward the cemetery, there was the most beautiful rainbow.  It was only a partial rainbow and didn't complete an entire arc.  Its like the upper part of the arc just disappeared into the heavens. 

As we drove down the little one lane road, as we got closer to the rainbow, the rainbow itself got wider and brighter.  Then we noticed another faint rainbow, right next to it.  It is too faint to see in the pictures I actually took on the way to the cemetery.  The closer we got to the cemetery, the more it seemed that the rainbow was leading us there and that the other end of the rainbow was right over the cemetery. 

As we turned onto the little dirt road that the cemetery was on, I saw two deer standing in the road and I stopped the car, waiting on them to cross and one stopped and looked at me right in the eye; then two more pranced across the road slowly and another made eye contact with me briefly as it leaped into the grassy area on the other side of the road.  I remember the look in their eyes, neither expression (from either deer) was out of fear; you know sometimes you expect the "deer in the headlights" look but that wasn't it at all.  It almost seemed like a gesture of courtesy instead of fear.  I can still see that last deer's face in my mind.  I'll probably always remember the expression on her face and the big fluffy white tail as she turned and leaped into the woods.

I arrived at the cemetery, I looked up to the sky to the rainbow that had guided us there and it disappeared.  Just as quickly as we had spotted in the sky, it was gone.  I drove up the little path through the cemetery and parked next to my dad's unmarked grave.  It still had the flowers we put on it for "decoration" on Mother's Day, seemingly just as we left it (that was the last day I visited him). No grass had grown and no dirt had settled.  It was just as I remembered it.  As I stood there in silence, with gentle warm tears rolling down my face, there was a soft breeze that wrapped itself around me.  The breeze itself wasn't really warm but it wasn't cool either.  All of a sudden I felt completely surrounded by warmth and I just felt completely at peace and knew he was at peace too. 

In the Bible, a single rainbow symbolized God's covenant to Noah to never destroy the earth by flood again.  In modern times, the symbolism of rainbows has been with homosexuality and gay pride but the Christian symbolism remains similar; a single rainbow is a symbol of God's promise to you and his covenant to you to never leave you and to see you through all of the obstacles in your life. 

The double rainbow is the symbol of transformation. My life has totally changed since losing my father.  Its changed for everyone in my family and our family friends. I know losing him has changed me.  When he passed, there were a ton of flowers and plants.  I got a single red rose (which has since dried) that I keep in my living room on top of our entertainment center and a potted plant (a peace lily).  My mom kept most of the flowers and gave some to her brother, sister, and their kids and one to my grandmother. Every plant from my father's funeral that my mom kept herself has died.  Mine is the only one still living that I know of. 

I call it "daddy".  I know that seems incredibly stupid but somehow I guess if I keep that plant alive and talk to him (my dad -- not the plant), that it keeps him alive somehow.  I'm a little neurotic about making sure it gets watered once a week and I keep all of the dead leaves pulled and clipped away and I really care for it.  My momma looked at me so funny the first time I asked her to water Daddy.  We were leaving PT and it was raining and I said to mom -- remind me to water Daddy.. She put her hand out in the rain and said gently, "Your daddy is getting watered right now"...  Somehow that was comforting to me. 

I loved my Daddy.  I never knew how much though until he was gone.  We fought a lot, because we were so much alike and we bucked heads a lot.  But after he coded I held his left hand everytime I saw him, because I knew it was connected straight to his heart.  I miss him so much. I know I always will.

Drudging through the loss

It has been just over four months. I still miss her so much. The realness of her absence is becoming more and more evident with each passing day. I usually close my bedroom door when I come home because when she was here, I could sit on my bed and talk to her, while she sat on her bed just across the hall. I still instinctively look for her; I guess a part of me hoping she is still there. She always smiled; even when she felt horrible, she smiled through her pain. There is a great lesson in that. She always loved children and knew the innocence the splendor they possess and she soaked it up like a thirsty plant in a storm. She wanted as much of that as she could get and then more. She loved every child she ever had a hand in raising and even those she didn't. I did not realize until she was gone exactly how many people she had touched: grown men, women, children, girls, boys, she loved them all. It didn't matter what size, color, gender, orientation, status, religion, or 100 other "deal-breakers" for other people. Mom loved people - period. Another lesson. It doesn't matter what particular set of circumstances occurred to put someone in their current situation. The who, how, when, where, and why is irrelevant; at the end of the day, the details don't matter. You just love them through the storm.

My dad has been gone now for 23 months. When I close my eyes, I still replay the vivid memories of us sitting around playing cards or board games as a family. Both of my parents were fierce card players and my parents had been playing as a team for so many years that anyone who dared to challenge the duo was doomed. When they were teaching my sister and I to play, we would have to divide them up and have them on separate teams for either of us to ever have a chance. Which is funny if any of you knew my grandmother (my dad's mother). She was avidly against cards and would not even allow us to play solitaire in her house. I guess it was my father's "silent rebellion" to learn to be such a good canasta player. My parents use to have difficult discussions over the dinner table as a family and they gave us life advice over cards. I didn't know it at the time. I still laugh though every time I think of my father giving my husband Johnny advice, "Son you can either be right or you can be happy". Daddy never was the type to say much, but what he did take the time to say, he made it count. Therein another lesson.

I miss the crisp fall nights gathered around a campfire roasting marshmallows at Walter and Juretta's house. Dad didn't want to be the center of attention very much, but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. I remember listening to him tell corny jokes and stories that seemed to go on forever but I wish so much I could hear his voice again and laugh at the same joke that I had heard 100 times one more time.