My spiritual journey has lead me to a rather dark place, one where I feel very alone and am yearning to find comfort in the wilderness. I am learning to embrace the struggle rather than to fear it, because in my grief and pain, I will find peace and healing.
Sometimes words are spoken the loudest in the silence.
Sometimes comfort is found only through tears.
One thing is true, God brings the people into your life who are supposed to be there and his presence is known by the ones who surround you in your time of need.
I ache for so many tonight God. Bring them the comfort and peace that your mercy and grace provide.
As a continuation of my previous post, I have given myself a little over two weeks to discover my truth and my truth is I've been broken and angry with God for the past four years now. I struggle every day with grief as I still have not "gotten over" losing my parents. I don't think its something you ever get "over" I think its just something you get numb to over time. I have back problems and joint problems and am constantly in pain. I have struggled with weight; I had the gastric bypass and even though I don't very much, I still gain weight. I have struggled with infertility for years and I know a child is something my husband really wants. My best friend and I have suffered so much loss over the past four years and my sister has several life-long illnesses that there is no cure for.
My truth is I cannot do any of this without him and I need to start giving him more praise, more thanks, and more of myself and my time. I usually do that by posting here, about my struggles and how he helps me through them. I want to make more of a conscious effort to do more of that. Thank you God for the blessings in my life. Thank you for the realization that some of the blessings and changes in my life are painful but are molding me for who you made me to be.
Listening to a sermon by the late Dr. Bob Sanders. He was teaching on 1 John, 2:4 "Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him"
He continues on and discusses your spiritual gifts. What would happen if the holy spirit made you a report card of how well you used your spiritual gifts and then gave it to your father (God). I've never thought of using your gifts that way. What would your report card say? What's your truth? This goes along with Steve Harvey's latest book "Act like a success" - talking about figuring out what your spiritual gifts are and how to use them in such a way of being blessed and being in God's favor. I will be doing some self reflection and will post about my gifts, my report card, and my truth.
I celebrate the life of a dear friend of our family's who has been gone for exactly one year today. I hurt for his family, ache for his children, and I still shed tears for him. He's been on my mind for a few weeks now but I cannot believe he has already been gone for a year.
I remember when mom was planning her own funeral, she requested him preach her funeral. He called me the day mom passed to tell me how sorry he was that he could not fulfill her last wishes, as he was sick himself and was being put into the hospital. I didn't know then that he was dying too, but even in his last days he tried to help others. I'll never forget the kindness he and his family always showed ours and I'm sure he is rejoicing with my parents today for they are all free and all have new bodies.
I miss you Mike, we all do. But today, I think of one of your famous quotes and smile: He who is flexible is never bent out of shape.
I spent this weekend febrile in bed sick. No matter how old you are, you still want your mamma when you're feeling under the weather. This weekend was no exception for me.
I cannot believe it has been 1032 days since my father went home. My mom joined him 469 days ago. I was so angry at God for a long time, I felt cheated and betrayed. It seems unfair to have to live so much of your life without your beloved parents. I know Amber probably feels the same way, even though we have never discussed it. I know we both miss them, equally yet we miss each of them differently. I am finally to a part where I am forgiving God and thanking him for reaching them, blessing them, and ultimately delivering them.
Mom: I miss you more than words. I think of you often. Now, after 15 months, I can begin to recall memories of you without my eyes filling with tears and a panic rushing over my body. Still, every fiber of my being aches for you. I miss your laughter, your voice, your knowledge, your kindness, your unbending strength, and your warmth. I am thankful that I can actually experience some of our memories we made together and smile, laugh, and tell stories of how things use to be and share the things you have taught me. You taught me to choose your battles with your spouse but to appreciate the little things. To love others for who they are and not what you want them to be. Each person is a creation of God but their choices can taint their outcomes, not because of God's design but of our flaws. You taught me to take time to say thank you, for the large things and the small, seemingly insignificant things.
Dad: Some of the hardest lessons of my life, I learned from you. You were always honest with me about your struggle to fit in and helped me get through the tough times I went through being an overweight child. I appreciate everything you did for me. All the band practices you went to, even though you had to wait in the hot car (the gray ghost) with no air conditioning after working a long day in a hot factory. When I played softball, you took me to every practice and even kept my batting average on the fridge. You never complained and you never missed a game. Thank you for being such a great dad and for being there when it mattered. I miss your humor when you weren't even trying to be funny. I miss your belly laugh when something really got you tickled. I miss your wisdom, your guidance, and your gentle, yet firm discipline you always provided.
Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North So you thought you had to keep this upAll the work that you do so we think that you're goodAnd you can't believe it's not enoughAll the walls you built up are just glass on the outside So let 'em fall downThere's freedom waiting in the soundWhen you let your walls fall to the groundWe're here now This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing startsWhen you come to where you're broken withinThe light meets the dark, the light meets the dark Afraid to let your secrets outEverything that you hide can come crashing through the door nowBut too scared to face all your fearSo you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear So let it fall downThere's freedom waiting in the soundWhen you let your walls fall to the groundWe're here now, we're here now, oh This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing startsWhen you come to where you're broken withinThe light meets the dark, the light meets the dark Sparks will fly as grace collides with the dark inside of usSo please don't fight this coming lightLet this blood come cover usHis blood can cover us This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing startsWhen you come to where you're broken withinThe light meets the dark, the light meets the dark
I welcomed in the new year with my husband in our room (my comfort zone) tearing down walls, letting my husband of 10 years into my deepest emotional vault, and ultimately building emotional intimacy. It should have happened a long time ago honestly, but we have been married for almost ten years and have grown a lot individually and a lot separately as our own people of God; together, we are working on becoming the people God intended for us to be on an individual basis so we can fulfill his destiny of us together as a united front for him.
For me, something I have learned through my own personal growth and self reflection, is that in my past (old nature) I am/was a brick-layer. I would erect concrete walls around the deepest parts of myself, something I have done my entire life. I have always been very selective on who I let past those walls and in the past, I have made wrong choices in the selection process (usually out of guilt/manipulation) and have let people in who I should been protecting myself from and they broke me emotionally. It has been an essential part of my self-preservation for as long as I can remember and it is something that has been a struggle that I was unwilling to face for a long time.. I have pushed others away and had built up walls around the deepest emotional parts of myself for fear of hurt, regret, rejection, anguish, resentfulness, shame, guilt, and the list goes on and on. As the person I was in 2012 for every brick someone would tear down from my wall of my "self-preservation" protection/comfort, I would have 12 more concrete blocks placed in the wall dividing us before that person even got the original brick completely chiseled out.
My changes began a long time ago, but I will continue to allow God to prune my tree and dig in my roots. I just have to remember that a good hard rain makes the pruning/digging of roots/fertilization easier, so bring on the rain, I know God's grace is sufficient and he is steadfast.
In October, we received a call from Johnny's sister Nicole that her and Bobby's mother (Kathy - who took care of Johnny when he was a toddler before Bobby and Nicole were every born) was passing away in Minnesota and wanted to make sure we knew. Minnesota was 1,000 miles away from where we live (one-way) and his brother Bobby, halfway between Chattanooga, TN and Rochester, MN (Chicago, IL area) would not have a way to get there unless we picked him up on our way, so we did. We made the trip out of faith, not sure we could even afford to go but God made it happen and we were all blessed because of it. We wanted to go. Not only so Johnny could pay his respects to her for being a mother to him for a short while when she didn't have to be, but for him to be there for his brother and sister during this difficult (and as I know from my own personal experience) life-changing event.
Johnny, Bobby, and Nicole have the same father but were not raised together in the same household - Bobby and Nicole were, but Johnny was not. Johnny was older than the other children and had a different mother. For some reason or another, Johnny had kept in closer contact with Bobby than Nicole. Johnny and Nicole both had circumstances that played roles in them not being close growing up that were out of their control. When we made the trip to Minnesota (lovingly referred by me as Minne-snow-da) the trip was bitter sweet. It was an unfortunate circumstantial meeting that would play a crucial part in our future. It was closing a chapter for all of the kids in losing their mother but a whole new experience of us having the opportunity to get to know them.
In our four day unplanned excursion, we were able to spend time with Nicole and Ken and lay the foundation for us to form closer bonds in the future. We are all getting to know each other as adults. Nicole is married to a wonderful man of God, husband, and father (Ken) and they have been together for ten years and Johnny was already married to me for approximately 10 years when Johnny/Nicole reunited so it is as if we are all four getting a chance to get to know each other and to form this beautiful, yet necessary bond that will allow each of us growth as individuals. The wonderful thing about it is we (both couples) have so much in common as in relationship dynamics, spiritual beliefs, and personalities that we have become great friends as well as family. For me, it has created this kindred-ness of being brothers/sisters in Christ and given us the opportunity to explore this new sense of family that has not always been possible. Ken and Nicole have this incredible son named Carter who is just the cutest thing and such a gentle spirit. I can't wait to see him grow up! Nicole and I recently discovered face-time on Ken's iPod and my iPhone and have graduated to Gmail video chat, so its like we can have face to face conversations even though we are 800 miles away.
I was so blessed today because I was able to talk to both Ken and Nicole for 3 hours over video chat and they were able to give me some spiritual advice/guidance from someone my age who has had similar experiences and they were able to give me some insight into my own reflection that really helped me begin to heal. I really did spend some of the last few hours of 2012 in deep reflection of myself, my circumstances, and in a safe emotional place that I could really make some changes for the new year.
Ken talked to me about building the foundation of great relationships with spouses/God together is like a triangle foundation of Alignment, Commitment, and Accountability at the top. His graphic was a little lacking so I made an improvement for him ;-)
Excerpt from my personal diary. This entry means so much more after losing momma. I cannot read it without weeping. I miss them both so very much.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Peace, love, and rainbows
So Tuesday after work, I rode to Dayton with my mom so she could get her Physical Therapy done on her back. After we went, it started raining and it rained the entire hour of her PT. When mom got done with it, I told her I wanted to go visit Daddy's grave. As soon as we turned onto the road headed toward the cemetery, there was the most beautiful rainbow. It was only a partial rainbow and didn't complete an entire arc. Its like the upper part of the arc just disappeared into the heavens.
As we drove down the little one lane road, as we got closer to the rainbow, the rainbow itself got wider and brighter. Then we noticed another faint rainbow, right next to it. It is too faint to see in the pictures I actually took on the way to the cemetery. The closer we got to the cemetery, the more it seemed that the rainbow was leading us there and that the other end of the rainbow was right over the cemetery.
As we turned onto the little dirt road that the cemetery was on, I saw two deer standing in the road and I stopped the car, waiting on them to cross and one stopped and looked at me right in the eye; then two more pranced across the road slowly and another made eye contact with me briefly as it leaped into the grassy area on the other side of the road. I remember the look in their eyes, neither expression (from either deer) was out of fear; you know sometimes you expect the "deer in the headlights" look but that wasn't it at all. It almost seemed like a gesture of courtesy instead of fear. I can still see that last deer's face in my mind. I'll probably always remember the expression on her face and the big fluffy white tail as she turned and leaped into the woods.
I arrived at the cemetery, I looked up to the sky to the rainbow that had guided us there and it disappeared. Just as quickly as we had spotted in the sky, it was gone. I drove up the little path through the cemetery and parked next to my dad's unmarked grave. It still had the flowers we put on it for "decoration" on Mother's Day, seemingly just as we left it (that was the last day I visited him). No grass had grown and no dirt had settled. It was just as I remembered it. As I stood there in silence, with gentle warm tears rolling down my face, there was a soft breeze that wrapped itself around me. The breeze itself wasn't really warm but it wasn't cool either. All of a sudden I felt completely surrounded by warmth and I just felt completely at peace and knew he was at peace too.
In the Bible, a single rainbow symbolized God's covenant to Noah to never destroy the earth by flood again. In modern times, the symbolism of rainbows has been with homosexuality and gay pride but the Christian symbolism remains similar; a single rainbow is a symbol of God's promise to you and his covenant to you to never leave you and to see you through all of the obstacles in your life.
The double rainbow is the symbol of transformation. My life has totally changed since losing my father. Its changed for everyone in my family and our family friends. I know losing him has changed me. When he passed, there were a ton of flowers and plants. I got a single red rose (which has since dried) that I keep in my living room on top of our entertainment center and a potted plant (a peace lily). My mom kept most of the flowers and gave some to her brother, sister, and their kids and one to my grandmother. Every plant from my father's funeral that my mom kept herself has died. Mine is the only one still living that I know of.
I call it "daddy". I know that seems incredibly stupid but somehow I guess if I keep that plant alive and talk to him (my dad -- not the plant), that it keeps him alive somehow. I'm a little neurotic about making sure it gets watered once a week and I keep all of the dead leaves pulled and clipped away and I really care for it. My momma looked at me so funny the first time I asked her to water Daddy. We were leaving PT and it was raining and I said to mom -- remind me to water Daddy.. She put her hand out in the rain and said gently, "Your daddy is getting watered right now"... Somehow that was comforting to me.
I loved my Daddy. I never knew how much though until he was gone. We fought a lot, because we were so much alike and we bucked heads a lot. But after he coded I held his left hand everytime I saw him, because I knew it was connected straight to his heart. I miss him so much. I know I always will.
This morning, I was on my way to work and I had my window cracked, which is very unlike me. It was a clear day, cool but not cold, breezy but not windy. I was stopped at a red light when a chilly droplet of dew which had been gathering through the open crack landed onto my hand. It was a single droplet and it made me stop in my tracks. It most certainly got my attention.
Sometimes its easy to feel unnoticed, as f we are all raindrops in a huge storm and individually our strength is low; I feel like when we bind together and can create a flood. On the flip side of the same coin, it only took one well-placed droplet of dew to grab my attention and to change the whole tone of my day. No droplet, no matter how small, goes unnoticed. Small gestures toward other people can make a huge impact. Whose hand has your droplet touched today?
My planner at work - spoke volumes to me. The pouch includes thank you cards for our dept to be given to other departments and sponsors, bandaids, and a serenity prayer bookmark. Give thanks, always be open to healing, and know that God is in control. Was profound to me.
1. Having worth, merit, or value; useful or valuable.
2. Honorable; admirable: a worthy fellow.
3. Having sufficient worth; deserving: worthy to be revered; worthy of acclaim.
Who is worthy of God's love? In my mind, none of us are as we are all bruised fruit.
To the father, all sins are equally blemishes on our unclean body, soul, mind, spirit, and heart. I have to take a step back and realize that not one sin in his eyes is more sinful than another; it was man that put different values on sin. To God the father, one sin no darker or more unholy than another from a stretch of the truth, adultry, murder, theft, anger, greed, wrath, pride, lust, envy. All must be confessed and covered by his blood.
I was raised in church and was always taught Jesus died for my sins but I don't think I ever made the solid connection on what exactly that meant. He was literally tortured for my sins; not his own. He was treated as a thief and murderer and was tormented and agnoized for all of my wrong doings.
Who decides who is worthy of love? My love? God's Love? Am I selective on who I give my forgiveness to? Because God isn't. What makes me or anyone else worthy of his love, mercy, grace, forgiveness? Being washed in the blood makes me worthy.
Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you
Forgiveness by Matthew West
It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
So today is the last day of Lent. I have never participated in lent until this year; the household I grew up in and church I was raised in recognized Easter and the whole resurrection but not the lent portion. Being a gastric bypass patient not eating much and having dietary restrictions, I decided to give up something that was equally as precious to me, my time. I have tried to dedicate time to God everyday and to try to have a connection and experience with him everyday.
Johnny accompanied me today to my weekly Christian counseling session and we were able to learn Imago; a way to communicate where you have a speaker and a listener and you mirror things back and forth to make sure the things you are trying to say to each other are clear. I didn't realize how helpful it would be. Both of us are very guarded as far as our emotions go and I think we have built walls to keep others out and have sometimes unknowingly kept each other out too. Johnny and I spent a lot of time together today and are really strengthening the foundation of our relationship.
Yesterday after work, Amber and I met at Siskin Fitness Center to swim. We swam until around 8pm, then stopped by the grocery store and got a few things. By the time we got home, put up groceries and I changed Sampson's litter, it was too late to cook. We heated up frozen corn dogs and sat and just watched TV. This morning I went to counseling, came home and took a nap, and cooked a good dinner when I woke up. Johnny was home and helped me make homemade Alfredo sauce with four-cheese tortellini, shrimp, and broccoli with homemade garlic bread. I came into Amber's room to watch TV and use her laptop (mine died) while her and Johnny are watching a scary movie.
I have really been enjoying watching my garden grow and the rest of the seeds I ordered came in today. I am considering not planting EVERYTHING so I can scale it down a bit. I will let you know what I decide to do. I hope whoever is reading this is well and covered in God's grace.
Might I just add - Today's the first day of spring! :-)
I came home from work Monday night upset and hurt about some personal stuff and I pulled into my driveway and my husband walked out and greeted me. He knew I had a confrontation or two at work and that it wasn't the best day I'd ever had. He could tell something was wrong and he and I talked as I sprayed the pollen from my car; he had JUST washed Eva this weekend. I was putting the water hose back and part of it split open and started spraying everywhere. It took me totally by surprise, especially when it took away my anger and frustration out of my heart and filled it with joy, freedom, and literally gave me a new start. Johnny and I played in the water for a little while and then we decided to try to clean up the flower bed along our sidewalk. We didn't even realize it, but we worked out in the yard for at least two hours.
We spent time breaking up roots of things that shouldn't be there, pulling out the weeds, and removing the prickly bushes that we both despised. We were getting the soil ready to plant something new. New tiny seeds that could turn into something beautiful and wonderful. After it was ready and we added some fertilized soil to it and some bone meal; we were ready to put down what we really wanted. I planted the azaelia I got from my mom's funeral and I also planted some baby's breath and forget-me-not's. I guess the whole thing was symbolic to me because right now, I feel like I've given God my garden and he's taking his time and removing the weeds, the pests, and will nourish me and make me flourish so I can be fruitful and can help to sustain for my family and be bountiful so I can help others.
Everyone wants to be a part of the harvest. To get to the harvest, you have to go through the rest of the process. You have to let God pull your weeds (taking extra care to get the roots), cultivate your ground, enrich your soil, and then individually plant seeds, and nourish them until they grow tall, and become big and strong enough that they can be part of the harvest and be of benefit for yourself and others.
I am where I need to be spiritually.I'm not quite where I would like to be, but I think God's keeping me where he needs me. I am in a place where I have given control of my life to God and I'm letting him lead me. I have made a few efforts and applied to a couple of different schools with different career paths in mind that I have spoke with my pastor about and prayed about. I am waiting on an answer from God to see which path he wants me to follow. I feel like God's leading me there, I will go. I was worried about being able to pay for school and I spoke with Dr. Bob yesterday (my pastor) and he said "Jennifer dear - don't worry about it, because where God guides, he provides"
I came across this verse that was fitting for this stage in my life.
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I have found through this journey in the wilderness that I have to take time for every part of my body to cleanse and give everything a chance to rejuvenate, renew, and exfoliate where necessary.
Like the seasons changing and a tree shedding its leaves in the fall, I too, must shed my leaves for the changing of the season and prepare myself for what is to come.
I was watching a recorded episode (results show) of American Idol that aired on Thursday night and they played a clip of one of the mentors Jimmy Iovine who had this to say: "God mass produces billions of people, in my opinion too many, but in the case of Whitney Houston he stopped everything and made one by hand; he made an extraordinary human being and that's why its so difficult for these girls to sing these songs". I am not cherry-picking what the guy was saying or taking what he was saying out of context, he was just saying that the girls didn't slam all of the songs out of the park because they were singing Whitney's songs and there will never be another Whitney. I am not taking away from her God-given talent but I have to disagree with him.
I believe that God stopped and took time with each one of us and that we are all just as special as Whitney Houston. We all have our own gifts, talents, and strengths that God blesses us with. God saw fit to put her in the position to share hers publicly. God has never and will never mass produce anyone or anything. We are all hand-made specimens of his splendor, his wonder, his mercy, his grace, and we are to be used for his fulfillment and his joy. I think that mankind tries to mass produce things for convenience and greed but not God. Even with identical twins, they have slight differences in their physical appearance and are definitely different in their personality.
I think all of God's creatures make mistakes and have inherent flaws that we cannot help. I think it shows God's mercy and the fullness of his love; he created us, knowing we would sin, knowing we would smite him, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. It is infuriating to me that so much publicity is put on the deaths of celebrities and you hear about them non-stop. I feel sometimes as if I cannot even mourn the losses in my own life for all of the celebrity drama being shoved down my throat. Michael Jackson died - who allegedly had a fondness for young children and drugs. He was the "king" of pop and made differences in the music world and will always be remembered, but he's dead. Let his family grieve in peace. I feel the same way about Whitney Houston - she had a drug problem and overdosed. She had an amazing gift, but in spite of her gift, her weakness killed her; the drugs killed her. Let her family grieve. Its hard enough losing a mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter, without having the constant reminder of her everywhere you look. I ache for her family. I know how it feels to have the loss but on the flip side of the same coin, I ache for the families with the losses that you don't hear about. The ones that don't make the news. I am not trying to slam these celebrities, I am just saying that even though they were and forever will be idolized in the media, they were imperfect people. We are all imperfect people.
At the end of the day, we are all human and to say that one life is worth more than another simply baffles me. The price Jesus paid for all of us was the same - the life of his only son. All it took was a single drop of blood. We are not all the same individually, God never mass produced us and a "mold" never existed. We are all drastically different in our gifts, our talents, and our personalities, but we are all equally priceless in our worth. The best part is, the price has already been paid. The point is - everyone is unique, extraordinary and absolutely special in their own way, you just have to find your gift -- your "voice" if you will: I've found mine blogging. Through this journey and what I've gone through personally in the almost two years is I have to find myself and who I am supposed to be. Once I realized I didn't have to live up to everyone else's standards just my own. The only acceptance I needed was from Jesus and he loves me the way I am; flaws and all.
The last few months, God has become real to me; Jesus' presence has become increasingly evident in my life. For so long he was just someone I have heard about my whole life and we would ritualistically go to the little white church down the street and sing about him and teach the children about him and I was just going through the motions.. but now he's something tangible, reachable, and real to me. I cannot wait to see what he has in store for my life.
You Love Me Anyway - Sidewalk Prophets
The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me
In our four day unplanned excursion, we were able to spend time with Nicole and Ken and lay the foundation for us to form closer bonds in the future. We are all getting to know each other as adults. Nicole is married to a wonderful man of God, husband, and father (Ken) and they have been together for ten years and Johnny was already married to me for approximately 10 years when Johnny/Nicole reunited so it is as if we are all four getting a chance to get to know each other and to form this beautiful, yet necessary bond that will allow each of us growth as individuals. The wonderful thing about it is we (both couples) have so much in common as in relationship dynamics, spiritual beliefs, and personalities that we have become great friends as well as family. For me, it has created this kindred-ness of being brothers/sisters in Christ and given us the opportunity to explore this new sense of family that has not always been possible. Ken and Nicole have this incredible son named Carter who is just the cutest thing and such a gentle spirit. I can't wait to see him grow up! Nicole and I recently discovered face-time on Ken's iPod and my iPhone and have graduated to Gmail video chat, so its like we can have face to face conversations even though we are 800 miles away.
) 
So today is the last day of Lent. I have never participated in lent until this year; the household I grew up in and church I was raised in recognized Easter and the whole resurrection but not the lent portion. Being a gastric bypass patient not eating much and having dietary restrictions, I decided to give up something that was equally as precious to me, my time. I have tried to dedicate time to God everyday and to try to have a connection and experience with him everyday.
Johnny accompanied me today to my weekly Christian counseling session and we were able to learn Imago; a way to communicate where you have a speaker and a listener and you mirror things back and forth to make sure the things you are trying to say to each other are clear. I didn't realize how helpful it would be. Both of us are very guarded as far as our emotions go and I think we have built walls to keep others out and have sometimes unknowingly kept each other out too. Johnny and I spent a lot of time together today and are really strengthening the foundation of our relationship.
