The Potters House

Any piece of clay can be transformed when you land in the Potter's hands. 

Mold me God, to what you want me to be. 

Use me for your work and guide me on the path you chose for me.

Your Calling

Your career is what you're paid for, your calling is what you're made for" - Steve Harvey

Lord, help me find my calling. 

Finding My Truth - Update

As a continuation of my previous post, I have given myself a little over two weeks to discover my truth and my truth is I've been broken and angry with God for the past four years now. I struggle every day with grief as I still have not "gotten over" losing my parents. I don't think its something you ever get "over" I think its just something you get numb to over time.  I have back problems and joint problems and am constantly in pain. I have struggled with weight; I had the gastric bypass and even though I don't very much, I still gain weight.  I have struggled with infertility for years and I know a child is something my husband really wants.  My best friend and I have suffered so much loss over the past four years and my sister has several life-long illnesses that there is no cure for.

Then I found this video:

Post by Daniel Maynigo.

My truth is I cannot do any of this without him and I need to start giving him more praise, more thanks, and more of myself and my time.  I usually do that by posting here, about my struggles and how he helps me through them.  I want to make more of a conscious effort to do more of that. Thank you God for the blessings in my life. Thank you for the realization that some of the blessings and changes in my life are painful but are molding me for who you made me to be.

Wings

Today's a day that if I had wings, I would wrap them around myself and sit somewhere quietly.  I would grieve in silence and not want to be disturbed. I ache for the family of my pastor. For his wife, who I hold very dear... for his children, who will be without a father.. for his grandchildren who lost the best male role model their life will ever have... for his flock that is now without a shepherd... I am, however, in awe of the legacy he leaves behind.  The legacy that he left wasn't him - it was Jesus. His job while on earth was to make sure no one was left behind - not the wounded, the broken or desolate. He believed in that so strongly that he named his ministry Hephzibah's House Ministries which is from the verse "You shall no longer be termed desolate...but you shall be called Hephzibah for the Lord delights in you. --Isaiah 62:4"

He was so gifted, connected, and so in-tuned with God and his relationship with others. He understood people and their struggle.  He was a counselor, a mentor, and a most of all a friend; he love people enough to tell them the truth - even if it hurt.  He will forever be a person who taught me a lot in the little time I knew him. The Lord's work will continue because he planted a seed in others to do so.  Thank you Bob - for your contribution to the world, to my community, to my church, and to my life.  My life was blessed because you and Janet were in it. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-5English Standard Version (ESV)

God of All Comfort

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a]

Ordinary Days

Dear Mom,

Its days like today that I miss you the most. Today's Friday and right now the house is quiet. Its days like today that you and I would sit and talk about nothing. I loved the way you could give me advice without directly meddling and trying to sway my life decisions one way or another; which is funny because Johnny always tell me that I don't know how to mind my business and I am convinced that I get that from you; I'm sure dad would agree.

All day, everyone has asked me how I am and my automatic standard reply is "Fine" but honestly, I'm not. I miss you and I've found me blaming myself for you leaving. But I keep thinking, if I had only objected you getting contrast for the CT for PE/DVT protocol. Knowing you had chronic kidney issues that your creatinine was too high for the contrast. I keep feeling like that damn Omnipaque was the catalyst to losing you and I could have stopped it somehow.  Had I not let you get that contrast maybe this whole tailspin would have never started and you would still be here with us - with me. I know that if you were here, you would take me into your arms and wipe my tears away and tell me it really wasn't my fault and that it was God's plan - why I'll never know. It has crossed my mind that maybe it was for Missy. In all of her four years of wisdom and innocence, you dying left Elana (who she associates as a child) an orphan and Missy knew Elana needed a new mommy and daddy and that you left her with Johnny and me. It helped her to understand that your parents aren't necessarily who birth you but the people who put in the love and time to raise you and that made her transition of knowing she was adopted much easier for her. I know you would've given your life for her as if she was your own grandchild and in a way she was. I keep playing all of these scenarios in my head and I just feel like I cannot stop spinning.  I miss you and I always will. They say time will heal all wounds, but its as if today isn't included in "time" somehow.

Today's just an ordinary day; its nothing special. I'm sure it's someone's birthday, but no one I know. Today doesn't mark the change of a season or a holiday but its just another day - another day that I have thought about you. So today, I can add a few hundred tears to add to the sea of tears that I have already cried.

Being Sick

I spent this weekend febrile in bed sick. No matter how old you are, you still want your mamma when you're feeling under the weather.  This weekend was no exception for me.

I cannot believe it has been 1032 days since my father went home.  My mom joined him 469 days ago. I was so angry at God for a long time, I felt cheated and betrayed. It seems unfair to have to live so much of your life without your beloved parents. I know Amber probably feels the same way, even though we have never discussed it. I know we both miss them, equally yet we miss each of them differently.  I am finally to a part where I am forgiving God and thanking him for reaching them, blessing them, and ultimately delivering them.

Mom:  I miss you more than words. I think of you often. Now, after 15 months, I can begin to recall memories of you without my eyes filling with tears and a panic rushing over my body.  Still, every fiber of my being aches for you. I miss your laughter, your voice, your knowledge, your kindness, your unbending strength, and your warmth. I am thankful that I can actually experience some of our memories we made together and smile, laugh, and tell stories of how things use to be and share the things you have taught me. You taught me to choose your battles with your spouse but to appreciate the little things. To love others for who they are and not what you want them to be. Each person is a creation of God but their choices can taint their outcomes, not because of God's design but of our flaws. You taught me to take time to say thank you, for the large things and the small, seemingly insignificant things.

Dad:  Some of the hardest lessons of my life, I learned from you. You were always honest with me about your struggle to fit in and helped me get through the tough times I went through being an overweight child. I appreciate everything you did for me. All the band practices you went to, even though you had to wait in the hot car (the gray ghost) with no air conditioning after working a long day in a hot factory. When I played softball, you took me to every practice and even kept my batting average on the fridge. You never complained and you never missed a game. Thank you for being such a great dad and for being there when it mattered.  I miss your humor when you weren't even trying to be funny.  I miss your belly laugh when something really got you tickled. I miss your wisdom, your guidance, and your gentle, yet firm discipline you always provided.

Worn

Day 4

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired

I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too week

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn

Yeah I'm worn

Twigs

See this photo, this is the Hardee's that I go to in the mornings on the way to work. I snapped this earlier in the week while sitting waiting to order (in the pouring rain) and its dark although you cannot tell from the flash that picked up so well. I have been in this drive through line a hundred times and never noticed this bush/tree thingy. See the tiny twigs sticking up on the left hand side out of the mulch? The smallest little twig is me. God's the big tree. His shade shields me, the light he lets in through his leaves helps me to grow, and he cuts me down to size regularly not to overpower me, but to nurture me. 

Spiritual Gifts

So today I took a quiz on spiritual gifts, two of them actually just to see what my gifts are. Little did I know, venturing into looking for my strengths would also indicate my weaknesses.

I was halfway shocked to find my actual gifts (discernment, prophecy, help/mercy) but to find what my spiritual weaknesses are (faith, discipleship, and evangelism). The thing I have been trying to live on (Faith) was my weakest link.

I had a slight incident on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 that would forever change my world. I made a choice (good, bad, or indifferent it was my choice), I was honest about that choice, and then all of a sudden, everything is different. My life as I knew it, at the time, was crumbling and I panicked. I was so deep in the storm, I couldn't see the rain for the clouds. The what I perceived to be "negative" consequences of that choice suddenly gave me clarity. God really is in control! For so many years, I have been living out of fear and not by faith. God is showing me (the hard way of course) that if I don't live by faith voluntarily, that he will make me live by faith without my choice.

I had several factors that would change my decisions about the future that have been rocking my apple cart for sometime, but I was refusing to allow things to happen out of fear. I live day by day in a constant tail spin trying to make plans for my future. You know what they say, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.  It hit me like a ton of bricks! I have no control. As much as I feel like I need to control every aspect of every situation, I have absolutely zero say in how this plays out. At this point, all I can do is sit back, hold on, and enjoy the ride.

Initiating Changes Necessary for Growth

I welcomed in the new year with my husband in our room (my comfort zone) tearing down walls, letting my husband of 10 years into my deepest emotional vault, and ultimately building emotional intimacy. It should have happened a long time ago honestly, but we have been married for almost ten years and have grown a lot individually and a lot separately as our own people of God; together, we are working on becoming the people God intended for us to be on an individual basis so we can fulfill his destiny of us together as a united front for him.

For me, something I have learned through my own personal growth and self reflection, is that in my past (old nature) I am/was a brick-layer. I would erect concrete walls around the deepest parts of myself, something I have done my entire life.  I have always been very selective on who I let past those walls and in the past, I have made wrong choices in the selection process (usually out of guilt/manipulation) and have let people in who I should been protecting myself from and they broke me emotionally. It has been an essential part of my self-preservation for as long as I can remember and it is something that has been a struggle that I was unwilling to face for a long time.. I have pushed others away and had built up walls around the deepest emotional parts of myself for fear of hurt, regret, rejection, anguish, resentfulness, shame, guilt, and the list goes on and on. As the person I was in 2012 for every brick someone would tear down from my wall of my "self-preservation" protection/comfort, I would have 12 more concrete blocks placed in the wall dividing us before that person even got the original brick completely chiseled out.

My changes began a long time ago, but I will continue to allow God to prune my tree and dig in my roots. I just have to remember that a good hard rain makes the pruning/digging of roots/fertilization easier, so bring on the rain, I know God's grace is sufficient and he is steadfast.

Unexpected Blessings Wrapping up 2012

In October, we received a call from Johnny's sister Nicole that her and Bobby's mother (Kathy - who took care of Johnny when he was a toddler before Bobby and Nicole were every born) was passing away in Minnesota and wanted to make sure we knew. Minnesota was 1,000 miles away from where we live (one-way) and his brother Bobby, halfway between Chattanooga, TN and Rochester, MN (Chicago, IL area) would not have a way to get there unless we picked him up on our way, so we did. We made the trip out of faith, not sure we could even afford to go but God made it happen and we were all blessed because of it. We wanted to go. Not only so Johnny could pay his respects to her for being a mother to him for a short while when she didn't have to be, but for him to be there for his brother and sister during this difficult (and as I know from my own personal experience) life-changing event.

Johnny, Bobby, and Nicole have the same father but were not raised together in the same household - Bobby and Nicole were, but Johnny was not. Johnny was older than the other children and had a different mother. For some reason or another, Johnny had kept in closer contact with Bobby than Nicole. Johnny and Nicole both had circumstances that played roles in them not being close growing up that were out of their control. When we made the trip to Minnesota (lovingly referred by me as Minne-snow-da) the trip was bitter sweet. It was an unfortunate circumstantial meeting that would play a crucial part in our future.  It was closing a chapter for all of the kids in losing their mother but a whole new experience of us having the opportunity to get to know them.

In our four day unplanned excursion, we were able to spend time with Nicole and Ken and lay the foundation for us to form closer bonds in the future. We are all getting to know each other as adults. Nicole is married to a wonderful man of God, husband, and father (Ken) and they have been together for ten years and Johnny was already married to me for approximately 10 years when Johnny/Nicole reunited so it is as if we are all four getting a chance to get to know each other and to form this beautiful, yet necessary bond that will allow each of us growth as individuals. The wonderful thing about it is we (both couples) have so much in common as in relationship dynamics, spiritual beliefs, and personalities that we have become great friends as well as family. For me, it has created this kindred-ness of being brothers/sisters in Christ and given us the opportunity to explore this new sense of family that has not always been possible.  Ken and Nicole have this incredible son named Carter who is just the cutest thing and such a gentle spirit. I can't wait to see him grow up! Nicole and I recently discovered face-time on Ken's iPod and my iPhone and have graduated to Gmail video chat, so its like we can have face to face conversations even though we are 800 miles away.

I was so blessed today because I was able to talk to both Ken and Nicole for 3 hours over video chat and they were able to give me some spiritual advice/guidance from someone my age who has had similar experiences and they were able to give me some insight into my own reflection that really helped me begin to heal. I really did spend some of the last few hours of 2012 in deep reflection of myself, my circumstances, and in a safe emotional place that I could really make some changes for the new year.

Ken talked to me about building the foundation of great relationships with spouses/God together is like a triangle foundation of Alignment, Commitment, and Accountability at the top. His graphic was a little lacking so I made an improvement for him ;-)

Self Reflection in 2012

I was up all night last night distressed over burdens that my heart and spirit were carrying and have been carrying for quite some time. The first person I approached about my concerns was God. I wanted an answer and I waited for an answer from him as to this conundrum I have been experiencing. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, insomnia, OCD, OCPD, oppression, inadequacy, abandonment, and that all of these issues I have been trying to give to the Lord has been complicated or magnified by grief. I don't feel as if I was anywhere near the end of my grief-process with my father's death when my mother passed a year later. I know there are seven stages of grief and wondered if some people experience them in different orders? 

1. Denial

2. Guilt

3. Anger

4. Depression

5. Upward turn

6. Reconstruction

7. Acceptance

The one I have been struggling with is not even on the list: Forgiveness.  I know we require his forgiveness and that he will forgive us as many times as necessary until we get it right. I know we have been talking about repentance in church and asking for forgiveness is part of repentance (in addition to facing your pride head-on among other things). My struggle though is does God require our forgiveness? Is it necessary to forgive God for the anger/pain/resentment for him taking my parents away? I know that its his way whether I like it or not and that his way is the only way and the right way and I can hear my mom and my Pastor both telling me "You have to get glad in the same britches you got mad in" but it isn't that simple to me. This perspective has been stirring in my soul, in the very root of my spirit.  My spirit tells me that God doesn't need my forgiveness because he's God, but that he will accept my forgiveness. I somehow feel as if I need God to accept my forgiveness even though he doesn't require it for my own repentance, acceptance, and for my own forgiveness for being angry with God in the first place. 

 I went to work today and did my normal job and there was a 2012 calendar that I adored that was inspirational quotes. I looked forward to the new wisdom it would give me every month when I was able to close that chapter and to begin another. So, I spent a few minutes after work today cutting up this calendar and placing those inspirational quotes all over a board that hangs above my desk. I call it my aspiration board. I made the conscious decision today that God will never stop his molding process of who I am and that I do not wish to ever stop aspiring to be a better person.

The images are photographs of different situations with clever sayings to remind you to never give up and to keep fighting for whatever it is you desire; they aren't necessarily Christian based, but basic life advice that would help anyone along his/her journey. This one, for instances, reminds me that how insignificant we feel in our roles with other people, we are all the same in Jesus' eyes and that we are all sheep in his flock and he cares for us equally yet individually.

• Dreams are today’s answer to tomorrow’s question.
• Dreams are logs that feed the fire of our souls.
• Live your spirit’s dreams, not your mind’s.
• There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
• Dreams are necessary to life.
• Dreams are the touchstones of our personality.

Drops of inspiration

This morning, I was on my way to work and I had my window cracked, which is very unlike me. It was a clear day, cool but not cold, breezy but not windy. I was stopped at a red light when a chilly droplet of dew which had been gathering through the open crack landed onto my hand. It was a single droplet and it made me stop in my tracks. It most certainly got my attention.

 

Sometimes its easy to feel unnoticed, as f we are all raindrops in a huge storm and individually our strength is low; I feel like when we bind together and can create a flood. On the flip side of the same coin, it only took one well-placed droplet of dew to grab my attention and to change the whole tone of my day. No droplet, no matter how small, goes unnoticed. Small gestures toward other people can make a huge impact. Whose hand has your droplet touched today?

Worthy

wor·thy  (wûr)

adj. wor·thi·er, wor·thi·est

1. Having worth, merit, or value; useful or valuable.

2. Honorable; admirable: a worthy fellow.

3. Having sufficient worth; deserving: worthy to be revered; worthy of acclaim.

Who is worthy of God's love?  In my mind, none of us are as we are all bruised fruit.

To the father, all sins are equally blemishes on our unclean body, soul, mind, spirit, and heart. I have to take a step back and realize that not one sin in his eyes is more sinful than another; it was man that put different values on sin. To God the father, one sin no darker or more unholy than another from a stretch of the truth, adultry, murder, theft, anger, greed, wrath, pride, lust, envy. All must be confessed and covered by his blood.

I was raised in church and was always taught Jesus died for my sins but I don't think I ever made the solid connection on what exactly that meant. He was literally tortured for my sins; not his own. He was treated as a thief and murderer and was tormented and agnoized for all of my wrong doings.

Who decides who is worthy of love?  My love? God's Love? Am I selective on who I give my forgiveness to? Because God isn't. What makes me or anyone else worthy of his love, mercy, grace, forgiveness? Being washed in the blood makes me worthy.

Come to the well. Forgiveness is here.

Raise the Drawbridge and Lower the Portcullis!

I had a confrontation today with someone and my Danger Will Robinson alarm went off. I have problems letting people in who I shouldn't and pushing away the people I should let in. My alarm system is all messed up and I'm trying to sort it out.

Yesterday I Cried

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Yesterday I Cried, and In the Meantime was the first 'set' of books I read as an adult. The author, Iyanla Vanzant has to be one of my favorite speakers, writers, teachers, and influentual women of all time. I refer to the term "set" loosely, as she has an incredible array of motivational self-help books under her belt but I have only had the pleasure to read three.

I read them when I was a teenager; I struggled a lot emotionally as a child. I dealt with depression from a very young age but my life has changed so drastically that my perspective of "life" would be different if I were to read the books now.  Maybe that'll be my next project. If anyone out there has any of her books, dust them off the shelf and allow yourself to open up. It'll be hard, painful, and you'll probably cry but it'll be worth it.

Bruised Fruit

When you go to the fruit stand or the grocery store, have you ever noticed that the only thing left was blemished or bruised fruit? Why is bruised fruit picked over? Perhaps its looks are decieving? Maybe the description word "bruised" is a little harsh, should we just consider it "ripe"? After all, ripe fruit usually tastes so much better and even seems a little sweeter. When chefs pick out fruit to cook with or to eat, they usually go for whatever is in season and whatever is ripe. The most delicious pies are made from the ripest fruit.

Don't be discouraged if your "fruit" is bruised or blemished. God created you just the way you are, bruises and all.

Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I Cry lyrics

I look the part
blend in with the rest of the church crowd
I know the routine
I could list all the bible studies in town
watch christian TV
I know all the preachers...their cliches
been born again, without a doubt I know I'm saved

Chorus
But sometimes I hurt and sometimes I cry
sometimes I can't get it right
no matter how hard I seem to try
sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong
as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

I try to speak faith
never give the devil one inch to get in
I do worship and praise
let everybody know just where that I stand
on the back of my ride is a fish and a cross
for the world to see
I know God is good, all of the time
yes there's no doubt for me

Chorus
But sometimes I hurt and sometimes I cry
sometimes I can't get it right
no matter how hard I seem to try
sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong
as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

Bridge
Sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

Tag
I try to look strong as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

*************

Ephesians 4:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Planting new seeds

Might I just add - Today's the first day of spring! :-) 

I came home from work Monday night upset and hurt about some personal stuff and I pulled into my driveway and my husband walked out and greeted me. He knew I had a confrontation or two at work and that it wasn't the best day I'd ever had. He could tell something was wrong and he and I talked as I sprayed the pollen from my car; he had JUST washed Eva this weekend. I was putting the water hose back and part of it split open and started spraying everywhere. It took me totally by surprise, especially when it took away my anger and frustration out of my heart and filled it with joy, freedom, and literally gave me a new start. Johnny and I played in the water for a little while and then we decided to try to clean up the flower bed along our sidewalk. We didn't even realize it, but we worked out in the yard for at least two hours. 

We spent time breaking up roots of things that shouldn't be there, pulling out the weeds, and removing the prickly bushes that we both despised. We were getting the soil ready to plant something new. New tiny seeds that could turn into something beautiful and wonderful. After it was ready and we added some fertilized soil to it and some bone meal; we were ready to put down what we really wanted. I planted the azaelia I got from my mom's funeral and I also planted some baby's breath and forget-me-not's.  I guess the whole thing was symbolic to me because right now, I feel like I've given God my garden and he's taking his time and removing the weeds, the pests, and will nourish me and make me flourish so I can be fruitful and can help to sustain for my family and be bountiful so I can help others.

Everyone wants to be a part of the harvest. To get to the harvest, you have to go through the rest of the process. You have to let God pull your weeds (taking extra care to get the roots), cultivate your ground, enrich your soil, and then individually plant seeds, and nourish them until they grow tall, and become big and strong enough that they can be part of the harvest and be of benefit for yourself and others.

I am where I need to be spiritually.I'm not quite where I would like to be, but I think God's keeping me where he needs me.  I am in a place where I have given control of my life to God and I'm letting him lead me. I have made a few efforts and applied to a couple of different schools with different career paths in mind that I have spoke with my pastor about and prayed about. I am waiting on an answer from God to see which path he wants me to follow.  I feel like God's leading me there, I will go.  I was worried about being able to pay for school and I spoke with Dr. Bob yesterday (my pastor) and he said "Jennifer dear - don't worry about it, because where God guides, he provides"


I came across this verse that was fitting for this stage in my life. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Free to be Me

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me