Ordinary Days

Dear Mom,

Its days like today that I miss you the most. Today's Friday and right now the house is quiet. Its days like today that you and I would sit and talk about nothing. I loved the way you could give me advice without directly meddling and trying to sway my life decisions one way or another; which is funny because Johnny always tell me that I don't know how to mind my business and I am convinced that I get that from you; I'm sure dad would agree.

All day, everyone has asked me how I am and my automatic standard reply is "Fine" but honestly, I'm not. I miss you and I've found me blaming myself for you leaving. But I keep thinking, if I had only objected you getting contrast for the CT for PE/DVT protocol. Knowing you had chronic kidney issues that your creatinine was too high for the contrast. I keep feeling like that damn Omnipaque was the catalyst to losing you and I could have stopped it somehow.  Had I not let you get that contrast maybe this whole tailspin would have never started and you would still be here with us - with me. I know that if you were here, you would take me into your arms and wipe my tears away and tell me it really wasn't my fault and that it was God's plan - why I'll never know. It has crossed my mind that maybe it was for Missy. In all of her four years of wisdom and innocence, you dying left Elana (who she associates as a child) an orphan and Missy knew Elana needed a new mommy and daddy and that you left her with Johnny and me. It helped her to understand that your parents aren't necessarily who birth you but the people who put in the love and time to raise you and that made her transition of knowing she was adopted much easier for her. I know you would've given your life for her as if she was your own grandchild and in a way she was. I keep playing all of these scenarios in my head and I just feel like I cannot stop spinning.  I miss you and I always will. They say time will heal all wounds, but its as if today isn't included in "time" somehow.

Today's just an ordinary day; its nothing special. I'm sure it's someone's birthday, but no one I know. Today doesn't mark the change of a season or a holiday but its just another day - another day that I have thought about you. So today, I can add a few hundred tears to add to the sea of tears that I have already cried.